Sacred Things

Some things in addition to our life become sacred to us. 'Thunderstruck' by AC/DC, a toasted bagel and cream cheese have become sacred to me. They elicid such strong emotional memories that I don't mess with them.

There was a time for about two or three years that I didn't allow anyone in the gym to play the song 'Thunderstruck' by AC/DC. They all knew why and as soon as they made the mistake of playing it in a playlist, they quickly skipped it and went to the next song.They knew that this was Shawna's song and it was retired, forbodden ever since Shawna left the gym and was no longer training with us. The song called up such deep emotional strength that it was just too powerful to play on  a normal day and especially without Shawna. So the song was retired and never touched again. Fast forward five years to Shawna's wedding and they played the song at the reception for my and maybe her benefit. But it didn't have the effect it should have. It was just a song, just a rememborance of a better time, a time that was the happiest time of both our lives. We danced to it weakly and the more times they played it the more they dimished it's meaning. They didn't understand it's true meaning, what it stood for. To them it was just a song they thought would make us happy. It didn't motivate us like before. It didn't elicit those powerfully strong feelings called up from deep inside. No it was played on a dance floor and replaying it just numbed it's original feelings.

And so today I still chose to limit that song. I cannot allow myself to listen to it with the same feelings as before and in fact all it does is remind me that that will never be again. I makes me sad. So, I leave it alone.

A toasted bagel with cream cheese was one of Kuma's favourites. When she was feeling pretty good, we would get in the car and drive to Tim Horton's and order two of them in the drive-thru. Kuma was so impatient to hurry up and eat them that I barely got a bite. She sat in the back seat with her paws and her head through the middle of the front seats. As soon as the lady gave us the bag, she would start nudging and then bopping my elbow to hurry up. I unwrapped the bagel as quickly as I could and tore off a little piece for her with lots of cream cheese. She ate it with such delight that I just watched her and then before I could get a piece myself she nudged that she was ready for the next piece. This is why I learned to order two bagels just so that I could have a bit more myself.

It was times like these where I could see her so happy and loving the anticipation then the eating and cleaning her lips that gave me the most pleasure.

On Kuma's last night at our home in the garage I decided to make a quick run to the grocery store to get her some meat and some food. It was Friday night and Kuma was doing so well and feeling good that I emailed everyone to come from Ottawa to train in the morning. Kuma had gone for a bit of a walk and went to sleep against the pillow. I told her that we would go to Tim Horton's. Kuma was sleeping and I wanted to let her sleep. But it was already an hour and she usually didn't sleep more than a hour at a time so she would soon be waking up. But, the store would be closing soon. I looked at Kuma and decided to let her keep sleeping and I would go quickly before the store closed then come back and get her and we would go to Tim Horton's. I kissed her head and left quickly. When I got in the truck I saw I was very low on gas and I needed to stop for a bit of gas. At the gas station I thought to myself that Kuma may be waking up now and maybe I should go back. I should have gone back. I felt I should have. But intead I tried to make a run for it otherwise we didn't have meat for her dinner. I drove fast and ran through the groery store then sped home.

I walked into the garage and didn't hear anything. I went over to the bed and saw Kuma was sleeping. I breathed a sigh of relief and said "oh good girl Kuma". but as I approached I was horrified to see that there wa a large pool of saliva in front of her and another pool of pee on the mat on the bed and then also a ball of poop behind her. I realized that Kuma just had one of her worst seizures ever and for the first time she was alone through it all.

My poor baby girl must have woke up while I was gone and called out for me and probably panicked when I wasn't there. But she survived her tenth and worst seizure. She didn't die alone. She waited for me to come back.

I held her. I cried. I cried hard.

Kuma recovered and by midnight she got up to walk over to her water bowl. I had to hold her because she leaned way over to the right while she walked. But she was up and walking.

Earlier I gave her one tablet of valium. After her seizure I held off giving her another valium because I thought it interfered with her recovery. Her recovery with valium took 24 hours last time and without valium she could recover in two or three hours. This was a mistake. And then at midnight I gave her an antibiotic. This once in 24 hours pill was what did her in. I read later that it should not be given to older dogs and it was on the list of medications to avoid on the seizure website (because it would cause seizure interuptous - continuous seizures. An hour and a half later Kuma got up to eat and was so happy to eat her meat that she only got two bites of it before she went into another seizure. This time it was a continuous seizure that started at 2 am and went on for 30 secs then 20 to 30 minutes later started again. I gave her valium each time and was hoping the valium would stop it. But it didn't. I drove her to the emergency clinic at 7 am. By that time she had many valiums and there they gave her a stronger pheno barbital which put her into an induced coma. The vet was hopeful that this would bring her back better than ever. Kuma stopped having seizures and slept for 2 days. She was supposed to still sleep for one more day. But she was cut off. The New York vet wanted her bed for another dog and didn't know Kuma. She called Cheryl and Cheryl said to cut off everything and kill her. I am shaking as I write this. It is still like as if it happened today. I started to write something happy about Kuma enjoying her cream cheese and I end up here just shaking inside.