Where is Kuma?

Why am I still searching for Kuma when the only physical answer is what I saw when she died. Nothing, Kuma just died and does not exist. Kuma was just a living dog and now she is dead and gone. Why can't I accept this. Why do I think and hope there is more?

I have gone to the cemetery where there are lots of dead people and I cried out to them and challenged them to just tell me if they know where Kuma is. And I always got the same answer, nothing, no sound, no answer, no vision. Everything died with Kuma including all my beliefs.

Here are some of the possible places where Kuma may still exist.

Inside Me

This is a comforting thought. Can Kuma be inside me? Can her spirit and her consciousness exist inside of me? Did our brain waves meld together? There may be some scientific evidence that two beings who become close end up sharing some physical and mental attributes. I used to think that when two people are really close they have a spirit and part of their spirit coincides with the other spirit. This overlap would explain to me when someone leaves why it is so hard because that part of them is still inside you and it eventually gets ripped out and leaves as well. Call it an aura, a soul or just electrical energy but somehow that overlap into each other may explain the mental telepathy when two people or in my case Kuma and I were very close. It would explain how Kuma understood me even when she could not hear with her ears.

If Kuma is inside me still is my grieving her grieving too, are my tears her tears, does she taste the food that I eat, does she sleep when I sleep. Is she happy? It makes me not want to be sad.

But this would all just be one-way communication because I cannot see or hear Kuma. I cannot sense her consciousness.

With Me

This would mean that Kuma is a living spirit or energy beside me. I can't see or hear her and honestly I don't even feel her presence but she may be beside me in another dimension that I am not able to comprehend.

If she can see me and she exists then I don't want her to see me cry or see me hurt. This would hurt her and I don't want her to hurt.

Some people say they see auras or the spirit of their departed. This of course gives them comfort. But, I have never seen a spirit. I looked hard when my male dog died at the moment of his death. I didn't look hard when Kuma died because I just felt there was nothing. Life was just gone. Yet there are many people who believe in the spiritual life and ghosts.

It would be comforting to know that Kuma has existed beyond her dead body and she is still conscious in a spiritual way but I don't see or feel any signs of this. I wish but I don't see.

Back to Where She Came From - Back to the Animal Diva

Maybe Kuma went back to where she was born from. Maybe Kuma was part of an animal spirit through which I experienced all animals and through which I experienced love and life. This one is tough because I believe that what I loved about Kuma was her individuality, our shared memories and unique characters. I would like to believe that Kuma was an individual.

But, if Kuma has gone back to a global unified consciousness, this means that her life was only one tentacle of this larger energy. This also means that I can see Kuma in all animals and she can see me through them. It opens me for more respect and compassion for all living beings. It means that she is not really gone because she was not really here but just represented something else.

Can I feel Kuma through other animals? Can I feel the love I had through love in other relationships?

Reincarnated as another Dog or as a Child

Maybe Kuma was or will be born again and will come back to life. Maybe she will find me again.

I actually used to believe this with my male dog Vike. I felt he was so advanced in character that he had to progress to another life as a little boy. In the end of his life, he would cry for something every two hours and I wondered if he was an infant somewhere born already. But, I believed in things like that before and now I don't or at least don't know.

The strength of character I saw in both Kuma and Vike were much higher level and stronger than the characters I saw in people. Not just honesty and loyalty but responsibility. When Vike bit Tessa twice when she was just a puppy he was punished hard. A smack in the head and off to sit in a room for an hour with the door closed. When he bit her a third time, he came to me knowing that he would be punished. He put his face up to me to smack him hard once and then he went up to the room himself and sat there. He knew and he faced it. This hurt me forever. How many people do you know that would admit what they did and face their punishment?

Nowhere

Gone to nothing, darkness, the big void. This is both the most depressing and yet the one where Kuma feels no pain and is not hurting from missing me. If we believe this then this would change how we behave in our lives because in the end nothing would matter if it is all wiped out.

None of the Above

This implies that Kuma may still be somewhere and I may even still exist with her but it is beyond my ability to see, feel or understand. Just as an ant cannot comprehend us standing over them, I cannot comprehend another dimension or world where Kuma and I may still exist. We may be here or we may be somewhere else in the universe. In fact what we feel is our life may just be a dream and we really exist somewhere else.

The only thing I know right now is the physical world that I understand. Everything else is just imagination.

 

The only thing left of Kuma is the ashes of her cremation. And to me, that is not Kuma.

Will I ever know if Kuma still exists? Will I ever find my Kuma? The only chance I have that I know about is to wait until I die and then I may go to nothingness or I may find her. Until then, I will keep searching for her in my dreams, in meditations, and in my head. I will keep listening in the quiet.