The Child and the Adult
16 weeks and two days have passed now without Kuma. I have gone to bed and woken up 114 days in a row and nothing has changed. I am still looking for Kuma and I still haven't found her. Kuma is not here. Where does that leave me now?
The Eternal Child in Me
Inside me is still the child that decided long ago who I am and how I would live life. At 11 years old, I understood the wonder of my self-consciousness, my inner being and individuality of who I was, looking through my eyes at the outside world. I remember thinking, "how can I be me?" and everywhere I went, I was still me.
The child inside me is the most powerful being that can do anything. A pure and innocent will that knows no limits and has not learned fear. A laser focus of unbounded energy that will not stop until it gets what it wants.
As a child, everything was possible. I was not bound by physical reality. I believed I could do anything.
This child inside me today is screaming uncontrollably. For the first and only time in my life, I am being told that I can't have what I want. I am woken each day to the realization that I am here and will have to live a life without what I want the most, Kuma. I am told that Kuma will not come back, that Kuma does not exist in any other form that I can understand and that I will never see or feel Kuma again. The child inside me is frantically fighting against this, kicking and screaming my resistance to accepting that I can't have it, I can't bring Kuma back. The inner child has never accepted limitation in my life, never accepted the word "can't".
And yet each day I wake up, I hurt, I try and nothing changes. I still can't have Kuma back. My screaming inner child is being beaten. Each day that I fight back I am beaten some more. Fighting back only brings more beatings and more hurt. It doesn't get any better with time. The pain of not being with Kuma is not lessened. It is always there. Being told each day that I can't have what I want, I can't change things and make them right is just not something the inner child in me can accept.
I cry and hurt each day. And I want nothing else except to be with Kuma.
The Experienced Adult in Me
Today, I still look through the same eyes I have always had. I am still the same person inside that I was when I was a child. But, today I have lived and experienced lifes practical lessons. The kind of lessons that destroy your innocent imaginary world of purity and limitless energy. I no longer dream of impossible things and expect them to happen. With time, defeat has beaten me into accepting a life of surrendered compromises, a life of regrets, guilt and sorrow.
Today, I know that Kuma won't come back and that she doesn't exist anywhere. It hasn't happened with my other dogs and anybody else that has died. Nobody comes back from there. It is just not in my reality.
And worse, my adult in me tells me that I am just wasting time looking for Kuma. Why waste time pursuing something that will not happen. That's just not smart. The adult in me tells me to forget it and move on. It really all doesn't matter anyway. Nothing really matters. We all live, do the best we can and we all die. Nothing is really that important.
"Stop crying", says the adult in me. Oh, wait that's my father's voice in me. When I was a child. he told me he would beat me if I didn't stop crying. I learned to stop crying immediately and to not ever cry again - until now. I learned to shut down my emotions. Come to think of it, my father tried to bring me out of my illusionary childhood and into adulthood by always reminding me that I can never do what I want and I have to do what I need to do. My father's life was hard and as most immigrants coming to a new country he worked hard and made a good life for himself. He wanted me to stop dreaming, grow up and face this harsh reality.
But his words "you can't" and "you never" are the words I remember the most. And, I remember stubbornly fighting against them trying to live my life to prove them wrong. No, "I can" and "I can do whatever I want in life" became a driving mantra in my life to prove my father wrong. And I did. I could do anything I set myself to do. I accomplished things beyond the hard facts of life.
And today, for the first time, the adult in me tells me to accept defeat. My father was right. I cannot do what I want. I cannot do anything to bring Kuma back. He wins. I lose. He was right. The child in me was wrong. Now I am just left with crying. And crying is stupid.
"Stop crying now!" You will never be with Kuma again. Forget about it and move on. Stop wasting time.