6 Years Since Kuma Died

October 6 will always be the day when Kuma stopped. Stopped breathing in mid breath, stopped feeling, stopped being. Kuma was killed on October 6th.

I Eventually Lose Everything

I have a few ingrained beliefs. When I was young I always found money. I just had to look down and I would find change. It was expected and it always worked.

Happy Birthday Kuma (23)

Happy Birthday Kumi my little baby girl. I don't understand anything anymore and I don't know where you are. But I hold your head and your ears and I give you a milion kisses on your head and your nose.

Rearview Mirror

The rearview mirror gets bigger every day. For some strange reason, I find myself drifting more and more into moments from the past. It's not that I want to, I just seem to find myself thinking about things and feeling them as if they were real and here today. Is this a normal occurance as one gets older?

Friday Oct 2

This year marks five years since Kuma died and the date coincides with the same days of the week. Today, Friday October 2nd, Kuma was doing very well.

Irreversable Nightmare

I woke up this morning with this most awful feeling. A nightmare so alarming it bolted me out of bed.

Kuma’s 4th Death Day

At 5:50 pm today it is now 4 years since Kuma died. October 6 will always be the day that Kuma was cruelty killed. It was completely unnecessary. She was induced into a coma for 3 days and killed after she was sleeping for just 2 days. Her vet was coming back the next morning but Cheryl and the vet on duty the day before just couldn’t wait.

Happy Birthday Kuma (21)

Happy Birthday Kumi. You’re such a good little girl. Daddy loves you so much. It’s hard to imagine that you were born so long ago in 1998 and it’s already 2019. Time goes so fast and yet it seems to stand still. You always stayed a puppy, a happy loving playful little girl. You are what love is.

Happy Birthday Kumi. Com’on let’s go in the car and let’s go for walkies in the park. Then we’ll go for a toasted cream cheese bagel at Tim Horton’s. That was the last thing we were supposed to do.

Why do I Continue to Grieve?

I continue to think of Kuma, picture her in my mind, talk to her in my head, feel myself hold and rub her head and generally try to pretend that she is still here with me. Why? Is this not just a waste of time and an escape from reality? Here are some of the reasons of why I think I still continue to grieve for Kuma.

Loyalty

The greatest reason people love their dogs so much is their unwavering loyalty. It is their greatest character attribute and their best example to humans. But dogs are not born with loyalty to humans. First they are born with instinct. They trust their instinct more than they trust you as a human. It is only over time that they learn to override their instinct and begin to trust you above all else that they feel.

Loyalty, trust, honesty. These are things that we can learn from our dogs.

Guilt

Guilt is internal rot. It comes from something we did in the past that we cannot change and for which we cannot find forgiveness. Like a transaction on the blockchain it is sealed forever. A new transaction can be made but the original can never be changed. What is the worst guilt we can have?

Kuma`s 3rd Death Day

October 5th is a day to celebrate Kuma's birthday. Then the next day, October 6 is a paralysing reminder of her death day, the day she was killed. One day she is born and the next day she dies. There were 17 years in between, but what do they mean today?

Happy Birthday Kuma (20)

 Happy birthday Kumi. Daddy loves you baby girl. A pat on your head and a million kisses., scratches behind your ears and a million more kisses. Today you are 20 years old. Almost a third of my life with you and forever with you in spirit.

Kuma`s 2nd Death Day

Today is two years since Kuma was killed by Cheryl (her mother) and the vet at the hospital. I relive this day in horrible regret and darkness. Why, because Kuma should still be alive today.

Happy Birthday Kuma (19)

Happy Birthday Kumi. I give you a million kisses on the head and I hold you close. Today you would be 19 years old.

Wasting Time

Stuck inbetween two worlds, spending time with Kuma in my thoughts and getting on with my life without her. I am in Limbo, neither here nor there. I feel like I am wasting time grieving and talking to Kuma in my head but then I feel that when I am distracted with the daily things in life, keeping busy then I am really wasting time.

In The Quiet

I don't know what to call it, the absolute stillness of death, the nothingness in sound and movement, the darkness that remains when the light of life goes out? But I do feel it and I do recognize it. It's the stillness when the air stops and life stops.

Home

Home is where your heart is. It is wherever your family is. It is where you want to come back to and where you want to sleep. Home is more of a feeling than a place. A feeling of belonging and loving.

Today is Kuma's Death Day

Not nice, but October 6 is forever the day that Kuma died. Yesterday was her birthday and today her death day. In fact these past three days have hit me harder than I could have imagined. I seem to be reliving them moment by moment exactly as they happened a year later.

Happy Birthday Kuma!!!

Last year on October 5 you spent your first day away from home. Your continuous seizures caused by the anibiotic pill Simplicef finally stopped at 5am which was even earlier than the Vet had hoped for. You were now lying peacefullly sleeping in the hospital on the day you turned 17 years old.

Kuma`s Last Day at Home

I had no idea that a year ago today, October 3, 2015 would be Kuma`s last night sleeping at home. It was a great day for her actually. At 6:30 pm on the Saturday, I texted my friends in Ottawa that Kuma was doing really well and they should come to train tomorrow morning.

Now

It`s been 11 months since Kuma is not here and I am still in disbelief. I push myself to move ahead, to socialize, to plan but every once in a while a stop sign hits me in the face and I realize that I am alive, this is now and Kuma is really not here.

My Strength is my Weakness

Regrets are killing me. I cannot accept this loss. I keep trying to change the outcome. I never give up.

If Love is all we have...

Then love is all I have to give. Love is my only connection. Without love there is nothing.

My New Life

When Kuma died, my old life died. Everything I cared for vanished. Time stood still and refused to move forward. Instead a dark hole sucked away all my beliefs, love, pleasure, optimism and reason for living. It left me with nothing but quiet time. My new life was born of unbearable fear and pain.

The Biggest Question

"Where is Kuma?" is the biggest question of all. I look up at the night sky and ask the stars, I walk to the cemetary and ask, I search for her in my dreams. But, I can't receive any answers. Nobody has come back and contacted me and so far it looks like nobody ever will. Because to answer this question, I have to answer other bigger questions such as 'Is there life after death? does consciousness exist outside of the brain? Is there another world after this one?".

My 4 Grandfathers shaped Me

I am very fortunate because I had four strong and gentle grandfathers that loved me. I learned from them when my mind was plastic and influenced for life. When I look back now, I understand more why I am the way I am and why I grieve so much.

The Short Truth of What Happened

I was told with time I would see things differently. It's been over 8 months now and I see things clearer and stronger and not differently. Here is what happened.

The Flow

What went wrong? Was is just bad luck in a diabolical micro series of events on Kuma"s last day on earth? Was it a bigger, longer infected series of mistakes that led to her death? Looking back why is it so clear that correcting any one of the 99 wrong turns would have saved Kuma. Just one correction, just one change would have created a different outcome. One thing different and Kuma may have been alive today.

My Fears

I has always believed that I was not afraid of many things. But as I got older I began to realize that I was losing fears that I didn't know I had. These fears shaped my life and made my decisions for me. My biggest fear of all was losing Kuma.

My Beliefs

What are the beliefs that make my decisions for me?

Why are Wrong Decisions Made?

It's not coincidental that so many wrong decsions that all lead to Kuma's death were made. Was it fate of destiny? Was it meant to be? No, it was something else. It was an underlying cause of all of our wrong decisions.

99 Wrong Turns

Kuma had a very strong life force. She fought hard to live through all the wrong decsions that made her life harder and not easier. She overcame every obstacle thrown at her except the last one, her mother cutting off her meds and telling the vet to kill her.

Nightmares Dreams and Dead Relatives

For six months after Kuma was killed, every night I looked up to the skies and asked for a sign. Every night I asked for Kuma to come to me in my dreams.

Is There a Time Limit on Grieving?

There definately is social pressure to hurry up and get over grieving and back into a normal life. Relatives and friends hate seeing you in pain and suffering and they want you to "get over it" and "move on". They want to see you happy again. A few close friends will understand the enormity of your loss and will stand by you while you take all the time you need to grieve.

Desperately Seeking Closure

How do you say "I love you" and "I am sorry" to someone who doesn't exist anymore? How do you express a love that has grown over many years, a dedication and appreciation to serve beyond yourself to someone who will not hear, see or feel your thoughts and actions anymore? How do you go on trying to reach someone who is not there anymore?

Trying to Understand

It is now 6 months since I fell down the rabbit hole of darkness. When I tried to get up, I sank deeper. The harder I tried to understand about life, death, reality and our world, the further I fell from belief and understanding. All I was left with was trying to learn to live with my new reality, trying to find new beliefs and understandings, trying to find new purpose in my life. Everything I thought I knew vaporized. The further I searched, the more questions and unknowns came up. I got to the point where I just got too scared to search any deeper.

Examining my Life

Each day is a new day even if it is exactly the same as all the other days. I wake up and go back to sleep until my head hurts more from staying in bed than from the painful thought of facing yet another dark empty day without Kuma.

Now a Different Stage of Grief

Now after 4 months, I slipped into a different and worse grief. Writing about Kuma, thinking about Kuma was my way of spending time with her. Meditating daily and dreaming about Kuma every night brought me some peace. But in the last 2 weeks, I'm losing it, it's slipping away and not feeling is even worse than feeling.

Cheryl's email

"Being put to rest" and "letting her go" are just self-soothing and self-diluting pretentious nice ways of saying "kill her". Cheryl sent me this email just moments before Kuma suffered the pain of Cheryl's stupid knee jerk reaction. Cutting off Kuma abruptly sent Kuma into painful convulsions for 30 minutes before they were able to kill her.

The Child and the Adult

16 weeks and two days have passed now without Kuma. I have gone to bed and woken up 114 days in a row and nothing has changed. I am still looking for Kuma and I still haven't found her. Kuma is not here. Where does that leave me now?

Who Was Kuma?

The is the absolute biggest question of all. Who was Kuma and who is Kuma? With the amount of time I spend with Kuma, especially the last three years when I was with her every minute of the day, I began to have glimpses of who Kuma was.

Questioned Beliefs (Page 2)

When Kuma died, I died and most of what I believed before if not wiped out is at least being questioned. When I break it all down, it comes down to a fundamental fork in the road. Is life 'deterministic' or is it 'completely ramdom'? Is there a universal law of cause and effect? Cosmic Law and Order or Chaos?

Questioned Beliefs (Page 1)

I used to believe in things but when I saw Kuma die, my beliefs followed her into the darkness. I have been searching and questioning ever since. Real hard questions. Maybe this will uncover some kind of belief again because without belief, life is dark and futile.

What do I miss about Kuma?

Holding her warm body, hearing her breathe. Kissing her head, smelling her, watching her walk.

Where is Kuma?

Why am I still searching for Kuma when the only physical answer is what I saw when she died. Nothing, Kuma just died and does not exist. Kuma was just a living dog and now she is dead and gone. Why can't I accept this. Why do I think and hope there is more?

Cheryl

Looking back I realise that Cheryl, Kuma's original mother wanted Kuma dead. It becomes more obvious as I look back further.

2016

This is my first post this year, 18 days have gone by since my last post.

Why Kuma Was Not Just a Dog

Scientists have just started to study dog's brains and behaviour with modern tools and what they found has amazed them.

Why Kuma went to the Hospital and What Happened There

Two weeks before the hospital Kuma overcame several things.

Isolation

The past three years of living in the garage with Kuma and now without her was spent in isolation. Isolation from distractions. Just me and her. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" (Charles Dickens).

It was and still is an indulgence. It is living with no distractions. Dropping out of society, not going outside not experiencing the seasons. Not going places just staying here in the quiet. I felt like part of me had died but yet this was the only time I was consciously living.

10 Weeks Today

I am sleeping and eating well and started training again. In this regard I am doing better. I have also spent time researching, thinking and writing and that has helped resolve issues and questions about why, how and what I should have done. In a physical way I am progressing ahead. But the mental pain and sorrow gets better and worse.

The Bond

The bond Kuma and I had was unbelievably strong. Call it love or call it supernatural, call it telepathy or just a connection. People that have spent time with their pets will understand the bond between a dog and man.

Searching for a Sign

The past two to three weeks I have not written much in this blog. It is not because I didn't have any thoughts or much to say. My mind was racing, I had 10 articles a day in my head but I was still searching. I had no answers. I still don't have any answers but I am a bit quieter now.

How do I Feel Now? 9 Weeks

Tomorrow will be 9 weeks since Kuma was killed. I am not handling this well. Everything I have done in life I have taken to the extreme and I seem to be doing this now in grieving and missing Kuma.

8 Weeks

I am mad, I am angry at everyone and at myself. Every step forward is a step backward. I relive the critical moments where I could have changed things and didn't.

Questions

It's been 7 weeks since Kuma was killed and I am driven day and night to find answers. The first questions are physical and I have answered them for myself. The next questions were metaphysical and the answers all lead to the same answer.

The Emergency was an Opportunity to Fix Kuma

Summary: Kuma most likely had an ear infection which spread to the brain and too deep anasthesia made things worse. A CT scan or MRI would have identified the brain abscess and/or lesion and it may have been fixed by adding an antibiotic to her IV. Kuma could have come out of the hospital fixed better than ever and lived much longer and happier.

What Sent Kuma to the Emergency Hospital?

Here's the short version that I just figured out yesterday: The antibiotics I was giving Kuma sent her into a continous seizure and coma.

Why I Loved Kuma So Much

I should say why I love Kuma instead of loved because I will always love Kuma.

We love someone usually because they love us. Kuma loved me. How do I know? I will explain but first let's start with Kuma's character and personality.

Pain

Unlike physical pain, mental pain is intolerable in a different way.

Communication Severed

Kuma and I had a relationship. It is what she lived for.

Reality Started Erupting Today

Tonight I was driving to Canadian Tire to do something productive. I was going to replace my right brakelight that burned out 6 months ago. Sitting alone in silence for two days, I needed to get out for a while.

Feelings

I cannot begin to explain what Kuma meant to me nor the depth of loss I feel.

Grieving

Please understand, I want to grieve for Kuma not being here. I want to feel the hurt and pain.

I have Kuma's Medical Records

A few surprises but this is what they said:

I met with Kuma's primary Vet

She was kind enough to listen for at least 15 minutes while I expalined what happened to Kuma. This is what I said:

Kuma's Ashes

I picked up Kuma's ashes today from the hospital where I last saw her and left her. Kuma was cremated on Friday October 9th, 2015, in Sherbrooke, Quebec, just three days after she died.

I don't know what to think. They put her in a pretty box with a card and pretty bows and a poem about the Rainbow bridge. I took everything out and held her ashes in the thin plastic bag in my hand and put it to my heart. It's not Kuma, but at least it was and what is left is now here with me.

What makes me cry

I ask myself what upsets me the most. And it comes down to four things.

Kuma did not die!

Her life was taken away from her. It's a very very big difference. The people who all said to let her go and kill her, did not know Kuma. Actutally, only I knew Kuma and I was not sure. But, I did want to give her a chance to wake up.

Dear Kuma

My little honey poo poopsy girl I miss you so much I can't stand it. I see you everywhere here where you used to be, on the bed, walking up and down in the gym, in the car, outside walking up and down your little strip of grass. I still put fresh water in your bowl every day even though I know that you are gone now for two weeks and will never come back. I look at it and hear you drinking your big gulps and me saying "good girl" because I was so happy to see you eat and drink so much. It meant you were healthy and would live longer.

An Older Dog Relationship is Different

Today we live in a throw-away society. We don't fix things when they break or get old, we throw them away and buy new. New furniture, new cars, new houses. We don't appreciate the old things as much any more. We want new, modern shiny things.

Old dogs don't play as much any more, old dogs don't run and jump. When I took Kuma to the park and she was perfectly happy, people would look at me like I was being cruel for making her walk or keeping her alive. The looks that I saw made me not want to take her to the park in the daytime. Why? Why do people see an old dog and say or think, "oh she should be put down"? I don't understand it. I woulld much rather have Kuma as an old dog than when she was a puppy.

What was causing Kuma's Seizures?

First, let's look at the basics of what a seizure is and what triggers it.

Kuma was not born with seizures and only started having them after being 16 years old, so they were non-epileptic. The cause of Kuma's seizures was not known so they were Idiopathic like most seizures. At first, Kuma had Grand Mal seizures that lasted about 4 minutes and had two stages to them. Later, Kuma started having various other kinds of seizures which included small 15 second conscious seizures that didn't seem to affect her at all. She even had episodes of "the fly catcher" which is not common.

9 Signs that Kuma Was HEATHY

1. Kuma's paw HEALED very quickly

Kuma injured her paw a few weeks ago. She stopped putting weight on her front left leg. I noticed that the calf muscle in her leg started to atrophy and was about half the size of her right leg. For a while I didn't know why.

It's WORSE Than I Thought - The Vet lied to us!

• The Vet said that she decided as a Vet to not give Kuma even the minimum dose of Phenobarbital the anticonvulsant because she felt Kuma's heart could not take it and she would die.

How much is a dog's life worth?

For a few months before I bought my first dog, Vike a male Bouvier des Flanders, I asked a lot of dog owners how much it cost per day to feed their dog. After I had him for a while, a funny thing happened. Someone asked me how much it cost to feed my dog. I thought and answered, "I have no idea".

The Vet just called

The Vet that was on duty on Kuma's last day just called. It is one week later. No, she said she hadn't been away, she was too busy to call.

When asked about Kuma's last dose of anticonvulsant

The Difference between Life and Death

When you witness death at the moment you realize that everything stops instantly. It's like your computer crashing, going blank and dead. The hard drive is erased and never to be retrieved again. One instant there is life and an entire history of memories and learning and the next instant there is nothing, just black empty death.

Who is to Blame?

A wrong was done to Kuma and she paid the price. Who did what wrong and why?

First, I do not blame anyone but myself. Why? because everyone did what they thought was best based on their own beliefs.

Things that need to be said about Kuma's death:

1. Kuma was seizing for 30 minutes while they fumbled trying three times to stop her heart.

2. I now regret what was done to Kuma. Kuma was clearly recovering. She should not have been killed.