Dear Kuma

My little honey poo poopsy girl I miss you so much I can't stand it. I see you everywhere here where you used to be, on the bed, walking up and down in the gym, in the car, outside walking up and down your little strip of grass. I still put fresh water in your bowl every day even though I know that you are gone now for two weeks and will never come back. I look at it and hear you drinking your big gulps and me saying "good girl" because I was so happy to see you eat and drink so much. It meant you were healthy and would live longer.

I don't want to go to bed because when I do, I want to hold your paw and give you a million kisses good night. I know that sometimes it annoyed you when it was too many kisses but it was never enough and I would give you a million more today. Kumi, I would pick up your head with both my hands and hold you and kiss you forever.

You poor baby, you used to wake up and then pace up and down the gym for 40 minutes at a time and for two hours a night. Now, Kumi, I pace up and down the same path that you took and I have that anxiety because I can't stand that you are not here. I know that I said I would always hold you and take care of you and I can't stand that at the end when you needed me most I didn't do it. I let them stop your heart when you were still trying to live. Even when they tried twice and you didn't let them, I should have stopped them from trying a third time. I should have stood up for you.

I know Kumi that you were strong and you were not ready to go. I know Kumi little girl that you should be here today and walking around. The awful hot temperature finally let go and you would love these cold days. It snowed today and I went outside and I could see you with snow on your back enjoying the cold air finally.

Kumi, I am so sorry for how it all happened. There were so many opportunities for me to stop them in what they were doing. I brought you food to the hospital thinking that you would come home. I didn't know that the Vet on duty did not follow our plan and instead she didn't give you your medication. I didn't know that she planned for you to go back into seizures so that she would have to stop your heart. I looked for your charts to see when you got your last medications but they had taken away your charts and said that they lost them. I should have screamed then. But, instead I listened to them when they said you would never wake up. I knew you would Kumi and when I said to you "Kumi if your are going to pull off another miracle, now is the time", I know your started your miracle comeback. I saw you look at me and breath a deep breath of relaxation. I know you knew that I was there finally and I saw you open your mouth wide, yawn and stick out your tongue and curl the end like you used to. I saw you lick both sides of your mouth to clear the hair and I knew that you were waking up at the last minute. I knew you would Kuma because I imagined it all and you were doing it, even though the Vet said you never would.