My Strength is my Weakness

Regrets are killing me. I cannot accept this loss. I keep trying to change the outcome. I never give up.

I am very head strong. This is the athlete in me. The person who worked past all defeats until he was successful. Nothing would stop me. I have always had the mindset since I was a young boy that I can achieve whatever I want and set my mind to. I worked harder and was more determined than anyone I ever knew. Nothing would stop me from achieving what I wanted to achieve.

Today, the only thing I want is to have Kuma here. To go back and change the things I did and didn't do that resulted in her being killed. My mind goes through everything I needed to fix every day. But death is final. It won't let me continue. I cannot reach the goal I want. Death stopped me. And I cannot accept this. I cannot stop.

My strength of not quitting is now my weakness. This strength has forced me to exhaust all options, reading and studying all alternatives in physics, reality, philosophy, religious and spiritual beliefs and medical science and astro and cosmo science. The reality of it all keeps some hope alive and keeps me going. Knowing that no one really knows the answers keeps me searching.

Logically I know the answer is zero, but my heart keeps trying. It's also what I said to the vet who wanted to put Kuma down. I should have believed in my heart and not my logical head at that time.

My strength is my heart. And my heart never gives up. So I will  stay in pain, trying and never giving up. This is my weakness.