Isolation

The past three years of living in the garage with Kuma and now without her was spent in isolation. Isolation from distractions. Just me and her. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" (Charles Dickens).

It was and still is an indulgence. It is living with no distractions. Dropping out of society, not going outside not experiencing the seasons. Not going places just staying here in the quiet. I felt like part of me had died but yet this was the only time I was consciously living.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity." ( A Tale of TWo Cities, 1859  Charles Dickens)

At times I felt like I was missing the world, missing living. Missing the sun, the warmth outside. I only went out to the grocery store because it was too hot for Kuma in the summer in the car to go anywhere. I stayed inside with Kuma and kept the air conditioner at 60 degrees F or 15 degrees C all summer. I had to check my phone to see what day it was. Time didn't matter. The only schedule was Kuma's eating time and peeing time. I haven't worn a pair of shorts for three years and all summer and winter I wore the same clothes, a sweatshirt and sweatpants. This was actually nice not having to choose what to wear, just put on the same clothes.

I received almost no phone calls and made none either. I only had two or three people I kept contact with occasionally and one guy came to train three times a week. This training turned into a friendship where I would discuss what I was thinking about with him and I would see myself through him. Am I insane or am I still ok? I discussed Kuma with him and he got to know her. In fact, he sat with her for 20 minutes when I had to go to the grocery store. I trusted him because he got to know Kuma and she was calm with him.

This time of isolation was only temporary. I didn't expect Kuma to live longer than a few months. I said to myself that I was happy to give up my outside world to be with her. My family was impatient with me to get out and do things. Go get a job, go do seminars, do something. But I kept saying I can't because I can't leave Kuma and she won't live long. Guy said that Kuma would probably live another 6 months or 8 months.

That was almost two years ago. At the time I thought I wish I knew she would live that long because I lived with her like each day and each moment could be the last. I tried to soak up as much as I could of being with her. I put my arms around her as she slept and feel her warmth. I put my face on her soft furry body and breathe in her smell and try to remember it. I listened to her breathing and felt at this moment all is right with the world. I kissed her head, her eyes, her nose. I tried to stop time and just be with her.

I did not want the future. The future would only bring bad things. She would die in the future other people, family, friends would die. No, I just wanted to stay in this moment and keep it forever. Stop. Stay here. Appreiciate this right now. I held on. But time moved forward and here I am without Kuma, here I am in the future I didn't want tot be in.

Isolation is very quiet. I stopped playing the radio because it just became noise. The quiet before was to just so I could hear Kuma. The only sounds were from Kuma to me or from me talking to Kuma and the frequent rattling of weights from nearby passing trains that shook the ground. Now without Kuma, the quiet is becoming loud. It is like a loud ocean in my head. It is absolutely still. It gives me time to think and let thoughts flow like a river finding a new path.

The most pleasant sound in the world to me was hearing Kuma sleeping, hearing her breathing. Even in the hospital when Kuma was unconscous I sat with her listening to her breathing and everything was still alright. And, later the worst moment of my life that I will never forget is her last breathe when she was killed, the dead still silence of her not breathing anymore.

In my silence now I try to imagine Kuma beside me, breathing but all I hear is the loud quiet.

There was no reason, no reason at all to stop Kuma's breathing. She was resting.