Trying to Understand

It is now 6 months since I fell down the rabbit hole of darkness. When I tried to get up, I sank deeper. The harder I tried to understand about life, death, reality and our world, the further I fell from belief and understanding. All I was left with was trying to learn to live with my new reality, trying to find new beliefs and understandings, trying to find new purpose in my life. Everything I thought I knew vaporized. The further I searched, the more questions and unknowns came up. I got to the point where I just got too scared to search any deeper.

Trying to Understand that Kuma is gone

For the past six months, I have tried to understand that she is not really here, that Kuma does not exist anymore, that our memories, understanding each other and everything that Kuma learned, knew, remembered, felt, enjoyed and everything that she was, does not exist anymore. I tried to deal with the reality that I will never hold her tight to my chest again, that I will never hear her breathe again or see her beautiful eyes curiously discovering and learning about her world.

I simply can't understand that something so beautiful, so perfect, so full of life and memories can be destroyed and not exist anymore.

A thousand times every day and night, I try to tell myself that she is gone, but my heart cannot accept it. Every day it becomes a bit more real and it hurts harder. But, I still hold out for some sign, something to tell me that this is not real. I crave to know that Kuma still exists somewhere even though I know that she doesn't.

Time?

What is time? Einstein believed that time is just an illusion for us to process the events of our life. He believed that the past, present and future are all in the same time.

I have always been fascinated about time. I have often thought that I would like to dedicate my entire life to exploring time. I have had the same feelings that philosophers have had that our entire life happens at once, that the past does not exist, nor does the future and only the moment we are in now exists. Our entire life exists in this moment.

Time is somethig we experience, something we feel as a linear progression of events in our lives. We know that although we measure time, we all experience it differently depending on how old we are and what we are doing. Why does summer vacation feel like forever when we are young and a year passes like a month when we are old? Why does time fly when we are enjoying something and stand still when we are in pain? Time is measured and is thus the same for everyone on earth, yet it feels different to each of us.

I have always wished to stop time, to crawl inside of a moment and explore and enjoy everything inside of that moment. When I held onto Kuma, I wanted to stop time for a while so I could absorb all of the feeling in that moment and not have it move to the next moment so quickly. I knew what the future would bring, and I didn't want it.

Now, I look at the same scene in which Kuma existed and now does not exist and I think to myself the only difference is time. Everything in this picture is the same only time has passed and she is not here. How can I change that?

If all of time happens in the same moment, can I move along my time backwards? Can I go back to the time when Kuma was here? How can I manipulate my own life time illusion to step back into the moment where Kuma was still here? That is beyond my understanding.

Of course it would be ridiculously complicated if everyone could go forward and backward in time. We need to live in a world-time that progresses linearily forward, not sideways, backward or in several directions. At least not in the way we are capable of understanding our life.

How is it possible that Kuma this beautiful being that was so alive, now with time does not exist?

How in the billions of years of world-time was Kuma here only for 17 years? How big is the time since the world and the universe was created and how infinitismally small is the sliver of time of Kuma's existance. How can something as beautiful and intelligent as Kuma be created and destroyed in such a small sliver of time?

Space?

I cannot understand the infinite vastness of space. How can space be so big and keep accelerating in expanding? How can we be so small in the context of space? How can space be flat? Trying to understand this concept of infinity is beyond my capacity.

How can there be such order in space?

I tried to understand that if Kuma does not exist in my world anymore, does she possibly exist in another world somewhere? Does she live in a spiritual world right here beside me, in an alternate universe or on another planet?

How is it possible that in an ever expanding universe of over a billion stars and planets, we exist only on this infinitismally small piece of land?

Reality?

I once believed in things beyond our normal lives. I went to Catholic school and went to church every day of the week except Saturday. I wanted to be good. Later in life, I explored Spirituality and felt comfortable in going to a New Age church. I thanked God every night before I fell asleep and had my own personal relationshiop with God. Religion, especially organized religion was not a big part of my life, it was there when I needed it and on holidays ingrained with family and church customs. This gave order to my life. I didn't question reality much, I just believed like I was taught.

Today, I believe less but hope for more.

My reality is more scientific than religious. I believe in what makes sense to me, things I can feel, touch, smell, see, hear etc. My reality is smaller and more physical than before.

Yet, the more I think and read about other things, I begin to understand less about was is truly real. We are told that all matter is vibration and porous. Nothing is solid. Expanded to a large degree we can see that what we think is solid is just a bunch of molecules vibrating in space. Well there goes my reality.

I also used to wonder if this life is the real life or is this similar to a dream from which we will wake up into our real life? Why do so many people who clinically died on the operating table and were revived describe their experience of dying as beautiful and their coming back into their body and to this life as painful and being unwilling to do so?

Why is there so much suffering in this life, in this reality? Why do almost all religions promise a better life after this one?

Invisible Reality?

I have been searching for signs that Kuma still exists. Signs that many people would believe, I have dismissed as not real. Orbs in a picture, a falling comet the size of my thumb, feeling pressure on my body when I slept, hearing her whine in my dream, the utter quiet, and the feeling that the devils have stopped tormenting me were all early signs that I dismissed as illusions. Today, I have no more signs. I just feel that she is gone.

The pseudoscience behind spirituality beyond death is that on earth we all vibrate at a frequency that is visible to us and spirits vibrate at a much higher frequency invisible to us. In other words, spiritualists believe in science that has not yet been discovered. They believe that spirits are among us but we do not have the physical capacity to see or hear them. Chanellers believe they have developed an abilitiy to communicate with spirits of the dead. If we can't see it or hear it, how can we know if they are telling us the truth? Even one of the most famous and most believed chanellers (I believed in him 20 years ago), Edgar Cayce has been proven to be false.

I understand that our cell phones, radios, radar, microwaves, musical instruments, x-rays, and all sorts of radiation, frequencies, and magnetic waves pass around us and through us and we don't see them or feel them. I find it difficult to understand, but science tells us they are real and that's how our phones and electronics work. So this may be an area that I think as possible because we have not discovered it yet.

Birds have receptors in their eyes that sense electromagnetic waves or earth's grids and this is how they know which direction to fly south in in the winter. Dogs also have a bit of this sensor in the corner of their eyes which allows them to detect or see electromagnetic rays.

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Trying to Live Without Kuma

In my isolation, I have discovered a huge underground pool of grief, suffering and pain in our world. People everywhere face what I face and more. People everywhere grieve and hurt and try to live with it. Some do and some don`t. For instance an educated and beautiful woman in England took her own life just hours after her horse that she cared for everyday for 10 years was put down. A close friend of mine lost her 21 year old beautiful son to an accidental drug overdose just two months after Kuma was taken away. Another friend found out just last week that he has a late stage difficult cancer spread thoughout his body. Another friend was just in a horrible motorcycle accident and is in a coma fighting for his life. Several powerlifting friends have died this year and their wives and young children are left without them. I feel for these people. I feel the wieght of their pain, their grief and their dispair more than I could ever have felt it before.

I understand that we all face our own lives alone. Nobody can live our life with or for us. No one can face the black abyss for us. We all have to go into it alone. But why does there have to be so much suffering?

Numbing myself

I am fortunate in that I don't resort to alcohol or drugs to try to escape reality. But, lately I have been binge watching movies and tv episodes. It almost seems that the longer the time I am away ignoring or numbing myself, the harder I get hit when I come back.

Some of the most powerful messages I have seen in movies are:

The Covenant - "As long as you can breathe, fight to live"

Fast and Furious 7 - "You die, I die"

Room - 7 years in a shed and 5 years with just her son and herself together.

 

more later.....