8 Weeks

I am mad, I am angry at everyone and at myself. Every step forward is a step backward. I relive the critical moments where I could have changed things and didn't.

Kuma yawned and licked her lips. What was I thinking? Why couldn't I understand that she was fine and waking up? Why did I continue on the course to have her killed. I sit in this moment and it hits harder every time. Kuma was waking up, she was fine and peaceful, not in pain. She was just tired like I was and she thought everything was alright because I was there now with her. What was I thinking? How could I have not seen it? Over and over again I relive this moment. Kuma was waking up.

But there are a hundred other moments where I was blind and not thinking. The right decision in any one of those moments would have meant that Kuma would be here right now and I would not be writing this. Any one of those moments was an opportunity to create a positive future for Kuma and I. Any one of those moments I could have taken the right steps to get off the path towards her death. I was blind all the way through. I was asleep through what was important. I thought I could get by and things would be fine for her and I. I was wrong. Dead wrong. And now I relive all those moments and ask myself why.

Kuma's teeth needed to be cleaned a long time ago.

Kuma had bad breath years ago. I thought it was from her stomach but it was from the bacteria in her teeth. I needed to clean her teeth then and possibly all this would have been avoided. Instead, Kuma's teeth got so bad that the bacteria was causing her body to get sick. She got weak, her fur turned orange and started falling out this spring and eventually she stopped eating for 8 days.

I went to the store and bought her teeth cleaning gel that disolved the plaque and it startedt to work. But, when I ran out, I went to the pet store and it wasn't on sale so I didn't buy it. I waited weeks because it was too expensive. In those weeks, Kuma's teeth started to get really bad. They were covered almost completely now in dark plaque and tartar. Her gums were getting inflamed with raised pockets of abscesses of bacteria. She started crying occasionally. I went back and bought the gel now at fulll price but it was too late. I researched and bought Chlorhexadine too which worked a bit and gave her some relief. But, it was all too late, the tartar went up her teeth into her gums and possibly into her jaw bone. Eventually one of her front teeth fell out. I saw what looked like a piece of twig on the bed. It was her tooth all covered in tartar. Then she had a deep hole where the tooth was.

I went to a Vet in Toronto to ask how much it would cost to fix her teeth. They said $1000 to $2000 depending on how many teeth they had to pull. This was in January this year. That was out of the question, I didn't have anything near that much. I had barely enough money to feed Kuma steak and chicken while I filled up cheap potatoes and pasta. I let it go. I felt trapped because Kuma was old and I was afraid of the anasthesia for her. So, I did nothing hoping she would get older before her teeth did her in.

Later back in Quebec, I took her to a Vet in my neighborhood. They offered a free appointment with the vet tech. The vet tech looked at Kuma's mouth and was appalled. I got the feeling that she had never seen anything so bad and that she flet it was a lost cause. She said I needed to make an appointment with the Vet. I didn't because it cost money and I saw no way out. I was depressed and again, not thinking straight. I was defeated. I did nothing.

I did not realize how much damage her teeth were causing her until it was way too late. Kuma was in pain now and she was getting weak. I had to do something now. Kuma looked like she was on the path to dying. Kuma was going to die. I called Cheryl her mother to say that she was dying. Cheryl had not seen Kuma for 4 years since she left her. Cheryl had not even inquired about Kuma for the last two years. She didn't even know if Kuma was still alive or dead. She didn't care. Cheryl said that it was time to let Kuma go. I said that I didn't even have the money to put Kuma to sleep or pay for her cremation. Cheryl said she would pay.

I took her to the Vet and I called Cheryl her mother to ask her to pay. Kuma had not been to the Vet for almost 3 years because I had no money. When I got there the Vet asked if I came to put Kuma to sleep. I said no, I wanted her to look at Kuma's teeth. The Vet said that Kuma needed to have surgery. We scheduled it for next Thursday, April 31st, 2015.

But, Kuma was not eating or drinking. She lost 31 lbs. Normally she was 89 to 92 lbs and now she was just like a skeleton at 61 lbs. The Vet took a blood test and was shocked at how strong Kuma's results were. She called Cheryl before she even spoke to me (the power of money again), and said to her "I can't recomment putting her down with these blood test results". Cheryl agreed to pay for the surgery. I was relieved but angry. Cheryl should not have the decision of whether Kuma lives or dies. Cheryl needed to pay for this because it is her dog and she owes me a lot of money that she hasn't paid yet.

Kuma's surgery should have been postponed

Kuma was scheduled for surgery on her teeth in less than a week. She was in pain that week so I had no choice but to take that chances on the anasthesia. Without the surgery Kuma would die. But the anasthesia could kill her too. I was forced into a corner and the only possible way out is if Kuma would survive the surgery.

But, Kuma had not eaten for more than a week. I put her on fluids with a needle under her skin to hydrate her because she stopped drinking too. I started to feed her puree (steak, potatoes, sweet potatoes, brocolli and gravy blended into a liquid. I filled a freezer bad, cut a corner off and fed her through the side of her mouth. She swallowed and ate quite a bit.

Two days before surgery, Kuma was outside walking and I said to her, "Kuma you need to start eating or you will not survive the surgery". Kuma went back inside and started eating for the next two days.

But, I should have waited and postponed the surgery. I believed that she would survive it because even in her weak state Kuma was still very strong. I researched about anasthesia for old dogs and learned that they need much less anasthesia. I spoke to the Vet and asked that they be carefull because her body temperature may go too low and that she has almost no body mass to absorb the anasthesia chemical. They said they would put a blacket and heater on her and that the anasthesia is dose dependant that they monitor her reaction all the time. Still, I should have waited a week to give Kuma time to eat a bit more and put a few pounds on. I didn't. I wanted her out of pain and to get this over with and on to the other side. I was afraid but I knew she would get through this.