The Biggest Question

"Where is Kuma?" is the biggest question of all. I look up at the night sky and ask the stars, I walk to the cemetary and ask, I search for her in my dreams. But, I can't receive any answers. Nobody has come back and contacted me and so far it looks like nobody ever will. Because to answer this question, I have to answer other bigger questions such as 'Is there life after death? does consciousness exist outside of the brain? Is there another world after this one?".

It's a simple question. Is Kuma still alive in some other place or in some other form? Or, did she die and get burnt out of existance? Is she still here or not?

Because if Kuma no longer exists, what is the point of grieving or thinking about her? It would be a waste of time.

And, if we will no longer exist after our death, then what is the purpose of our life? Are we just alive to enjoy ourselves and procreate? If there is nothing after death then what does it matter what we do in life? Why are we so busy rushing to get things done every day?

There are many people who say that they absolutely know the answers. The answers were given to them through their religion, a religion which was born at a time when there was only fear and no science capable of trying to explain things. Even today science is so progressed but still cannot explain anything. The choice we have is to believe in the words and stories passed down to us in religion or believe in scientific explanations. The tug of war for beliefs between science and religion goes on but neither helps me right now. Science has not told me where Kuma is now and God has not spoken to me, nor have my dead relatives that I have begged through my tears to please help me understand.

No, the only answer that appears is no answer at all. Why is this so hard to accept? Why do I still keep trying and searching? Why can't I just stop and accept that there is nothing and Kuma no longer exists?

It's because for some reason we are internally programmed to beleive. We need to believe. I need to believe. I need to believe that when I looked at Kuma and felt I saw through her body into her being and I knew at the time that she was eternal, I was eternal and we would always be together, that this feeling was real. I need to know that it was not created out of a need, but that it was real.

With Kuma, I had a connection, I believed. It was love, and through love I felt connected to everthing. Without Kuma, the connection was severed and it is extremely quiet. Nothing. Nothing at all.

I spend time alone hoping for some feelings, some understanding, some signs, just some energy or communication. But all I get is nothing. I explore and question and wonder if what I thought was real, really wasn't.

It is almost as if I died. It is almost as if I am trying to be born again, to find purpose in life again. I ask myself questions like "what do I want"? And slowly one by one I try to find something to want, some value, somewhere to walk towards, a direction and a path to walk to. It's a beginning, a quiet beginning without any noise.