6 Years Since Kuma Died

October 6 will always be the day when Kuma stopped. Stopped breathing in mid breath, stopped feeling, stopped being. Kuma was killed on October 6th.

It took 30 minutes and three tries with three injections to try to stop Kuma's heart. I watched. I watched for 30 minutes as Kuma was in a seizure, breathing heavy with her paws up in the air running, trying. Then they injected straight without the sedative, straight to her heart which they told me was very painful. It stopped Kuma cold. In midbreath. Her eyes froze. She went completely silent. Nothing.

I picked up her head, I kissed her head all over. I kissed her eyes, her nose. But it was just still, quiet, dead.

October 6 is the day I relieve this over and over. Why? Because it is cruel. It didn't need to happen. Kuma didn't need to go into a seizure. It was her vet that withheld her drugs that sent her into the seizure. The Vet later told me she knew it would happen. Why did the Vet stop her drugs at 6am? Because Kuma's mother Cheryl told her to stop everthing and kill her. Then the vet lied to me when I called in the morning, she told me everything was the same and Kuma was sleeping. She told me to take me time and not rush to come in, Kuma was fine. But all the time she had already been told by Cheryl to kill Kuma and Cheryl paid $150 to kill Kuma. This after I told Cheryl that only one vet knew Kuma and she was optomistic that Kuma would recover and be better than before and that vet was coming in tomorrow. But Cheryl couldn't wait until tomorrow. She would not give Kuma the full 3 days that we planned. No she cut her off in 2 days. So for this I will always remember that Kuma died October 6, that the vet lied and went behind my back and that Cheryl also didn't talk to me but went ahead on her own and made the knee jerk reaction to hurry up and kill Kuma today.

I am angry and resentful. Yes. But also I will never forgive myself for betraying Kuma. I was the only one who cared for Kuma. Kuma needed me to stand up for her and protect her. And I didn't. I let them kill her. I could have done more to give Kuma a few more years to live, to love and walk around and smell things. To play.

October 6 will always be October 6.