Questions
It's been 7 weeks since Kuma was killed and I am driven day and night to find answers. The first questions are physical and I have answered them for myself. The next questions were metaphysical and the answers all lead to the same answer.
Physical
What was causing Kuma pain and seizures?
The underlying cause was a brain abscess or benign tumor developed from an earlier inner ear infection or from the bacteria in her gums and teeth. Infection got into her brain, compromising her blood brain barrier and was aggravated by her being put into too deep anasthesia during her dental surgery. The too deep anasthesia was so inhibitory that it permanently suppressed and damaged her inibitory neurons.
This brain abscess was either bleeding occasionally or displacing parts of her brain and pressing on neurons disrupting the excitatory / inhibatory balance and causing her seizures, strokes and pain on the right side of her face. Her body fighting it was causing inflammation and intercranial pressure in her brain and also her eyes. When I gave her anti-inflamatory drops in her eyes it gave her temporary relief.
This all began in March and April of this year, 2015 when she was hit with three incidences of Ideopathic Vestibular Disease all on the right side of her head and each knocking her off balance for two weeks. Then her teeth developed very bad tartar and gum abscesses. She stopped eating and lost 31 lbs. She went into surgery skinny like a greyhound, with her ribs sticking out. She survived the surgery but the anasthesia damaged her brain. She should have woken up 30 minutes after the surgery but instead it took 6.5 hours to become conscious and she woke up screaming for 20 hours. Five days later, she had her first seizure.
What caused Kuma's last seizure at home to be continuous?
The Tramadol that I gave her for pain just 2.5 hours before her 9 pm seizure is known to cause seizures. It has 25% opiate which caused her to get overly excited. But, the worst was the antibacteria pill Simplicef which has warnings to be careful with older dogs and with dogs prone to seizures. This was a strong 24 hour pill I gave Kuma just 2 hours before it sent her into continuous seizures and the hospital. If I had not given her this pill, Kuma would have been fine sleeping at home and would be alive today. This antibiotic works by destroying the cell wall of the bacteria and I believe caused the bacteria in her brain to start bleeding. It would have cleared up and stopped within 2 to 7 days.
Why did Kuma wake up after the decision was made to kill her?
Kuma should have slept unconscious for 3 to 4 days as the admitting Vet first said. But, I had asked Kuma to show me a sign that she was ok, just less than 48 hours after being admitted and after the decision was made to kill her and not give her a chance to wake up. Kuma woke up because I asked her to. I have at least 5 other examples of Kuma doing what I asked immediately after I asked her. Kuma was deaf so it was telepathic. Kuma understood me telepathically.
Why did I let Kuma be killed?
I was overly tired and was not thinking straight. I tried to listen to everyone giving me advice to let her go and I listened to the Vet. I was on a path that lead to her death. I did not have the presence of mind to see things clearly and to stand up for Kuma. I thought it was worse that it was. I thought there was no way out for Kuma and it would be too hard for her. I did not know that it was just the antibiotic that caused it. I did not want to spend the money on a blood test and on a brain scan. If I had let the Vets do these tests, they most likely could have cleared up the bacteria and abscess in Kuma's brain and she could have lived another year or two quite healthily and happy.
In the end, Kuma started seizing and I thought it was causing her pain and distress and I panicked. When the Vet tried to stop her heart two times and it didn't work, I should have stopped him. I should have gotten the other Vet to stop her seizures instead.
Why did Kuma go into continuous seizures at the end for 30 minutes?
Cheryl paid the bill and closed out the account. She told them to kill Kuma and she paid the euthanasia fee to kill her. They heartlessly abruptly stopped Kuma's anti-seizure medication and the withdrawal caused her to go back into continuous seizures. The Vet a week later said that she decided to not give Kuma any more medication because she was worried about her heart. That makes no sense at all considering the consequences and that there were no indications to say that Kuma had anything but a strong heart.
Metaphysical
Where did Kuma go after she died?
Kuma died mid breath. She inhaled air and didn't exhale until I leaned on her chest later. Kuma's heart stopped, her brain died and her eyes lost their life and didn't move. Her body went limp. Kuma died and all her thoughts, consciousness, memories and feelings disappeared. Her brain died. Her memory was wiped out like she never existed. Instantly Kuma was gone and instantly her past was wiped out. Kuma disappeared into nothingness.
There is no more Kuma. She does not exist. All her memories and her entire life are wiped out, they do not exist.
Where is Kuma? Nowhere. She doesn't exist anymore anywhere. I search for and hope that this is not true that her spirit or consciousness exists somewhere still and her memories exist but everything I read and know says it doesn't.
How can I bring Kuma back?
For the last two weeks I have read everything I can trying to find a way to bring Kuma back. The only way I can do that is to go crazy and imagine her in my head. Kuma's remains are ashes of her burnt body. There is no way to reconstruct them back iinto a living Kuma with her memories and brain working.
Time Travel - Can I travel back in time and change what I did and bring Kuma back home? No. Scientists have evolved the idea that time is a 4th dimension and that time and space are one and that it is possible to move along the worldline through space mathematically but not practically. Current philosophers/scientists say that time does not exist, only the present moment exists.
I honestly tried hard to figure it out so I could move back in time but I can't. If I thought Kuma was somewhere, I would go there.
Are there alternate universes in which Kuma and I still live together?
Scientists believe that there are infinite multiple universes or multiverses and they may even be right next to us and happening at the same time. But we are not able to access them or go across to them.
Reality
When Kuma was alive here with me that was reality. I held her, I felt her, I heard her and saw her. She was here.
But now after Kuma is dead, I come back to the same place and nothing has changed except time. I can imagine her here still. I can look and see where she was on the bed or outside. Everything else is exactly the same but she is not here. I can remember her smell, I can remember how her fur felt, I can remember exactly how she talked to me, I can hear her breathing and exhaling and I can see her eyes in my mind.
When she was here all these were my perception of her and I can almost replicate all these perceptions. I can through memory feel her, see her, smell her and hear her. I can imagine so strongly that 80% of the reality of her is still here. But, I remind myself that she is not here that she is dead and she will never be back here. Worse, I remind myself that she does not exist anywhere and she cannot possibly hear me now or even remember who I am. She does not know me because she does not exist.
This reality is the hardest to take, to accept. The reality of what I did to cause her death or at least of what I didn't do to stop it and what Kuma lived through to live and be with me is revealed to me a little bit more each day. It hurts each day in a new way. But the ultimate biggest pain of all, deep inside is knowing that I cannot change anything. I cannot go back in time and I cannot bring Kuma back. This is the reality that I remind myself each day and this hits me harder each day because I begin to believe it a little more each day.
Is there life after death?
Nope. First you would have to believe that consciouness survives the death of the brain and that it can hear and see and smell without eyes or ears or nose. Science says now that humans can still be conscious for up to 7 minutes after their heart stops and their brain dies. But, there is no way of knowing what happens after that. People who have come back from Near Death Experiences seem to have different versions of what happens after they die. Some say they are greeted by God, by dead relatives or they are enveloped by a white light of love and warmth in a place that has no space or time. Others say that they just felt they went into nothingness, nothing was there, no white light.
Phychics say that they can cross the portal into the spiritual world and they can communicate with the dead and even with animal spirits. I wish this was true, it would make it so much easier for me.
150,000 people die each day. Multiply that over the thousands of years since man has existed and imagine how many spirits there must be in the spiritual world or in heaven. Then, think about how many animals die each day and each year and try to imagine that they are all waiting somewhere for their owners. It just doesn't make sense. I wish it were true and I hope that I am wrong.
The only consolation that I can have is that there are more dimensions than I can understand and more things going on that I can comprehend. Maybe when I die I will become smarter and will be able to understand these things.
The worst part of not believing in a spiritual life after death is that the alternative is nothing. If there is nothing than there is no purpose to this life other than to create other life and evolution. If there is no afterlife, then it does not matter what we do in this life.
If our life is like a computer and we enter data and create programs and calculations so that our computer gets smarter but then in the end we pull the plug, the battery dies and the computer dies and goes blank, what was the point of entering all the data?
Where did Kuma go and is all her data lost? I still keep searching and trying to find an answer that doesn't point to the same thing, that she is gone into nothingness and she does not exist and therefore in her mind, never did exist.
Who was Kuma?
Obviously Kuma was a dog, she was a beautiful Bouvier des Flandres. But as you got to know her, you got to see more than a dog in her. Somebody once said about my male dog Vike, "you'd swear that he will unzip his dog suit and step out as a human being". Kuma was a beautiful being under her dog suit. But, there are many questions I have about who she actually was.
How did Kuma understand me telepathically?
Was she a life force of the Animal Diva? Was she a life force of God? Was she a reflection of me? Was she individual or part of a larger life force?
I don't really know who Kuma was. But the more I got to know her the more I appreciated how special she was and how much more than just a dog she was. Kuma was a very special, unique being. She only felt positve energy, kindness and love and playfullness. She was very sensitive, emotional and loving. Kuma was very attached to me and became a part of me inside, more than I ever realized. Kuma was love.
Kuma was very special and she can never be duplicated.
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Kuma had a life energy that was very unique and very strong. Her life force kept her heart and her body strong and kept trying to live. Animals seem to know when they are going to die and they accept it. Kuma was still living and trying to live
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I am human and as humans we are programmed to strive, to believe and to move forward. We are programmed to believe that we have a purpose and that we will exist beyond our death, that we are more than our physical body. We are programmed with hope.
I still hope. I still search. Where is Kuma?