Nightmares Dreams and Dead Relatives

For six months after Kuma was killed, every night I looked up to the skies and asked for a sign. Every night I asked for Kuma to come to me in my dreams.

But there was nothing.

I pleaded with my dead relatives to please, please let me know if there is anything on the other side, if Kuma is safe and alive. Somehow before, I used to feel that my dead relatives were my guardian angels taking care of me.

How many times did I feel that the right things happened in my life even when I was hoping for something else. How many times did I go back into the house to get something and then saw something much more important that I forgot and my trip would have been useless without. When I travelled alone across the country on my motorcycle I heard voices and thoughts in my head warning me of what was up ahead on the road. I believed then. I had guardian angels and they kept me safe. I always felt lucky.

But now when I ask them, no one answers. Not a sound, not a sign. Just erie quiet. I have gone to the graveyard near here several times and cried and asked for someone to give me a sign that Kuma is fine. No signs at all. I told myself to stop challenging them and just wait and maybe a sign will come later.

I thought to myself that even if Kuma would try as hard as she could, she could not be able to give me a sign. Kuma was a beautiful being here on earth but that doesn't mean that she is a powerful spirit now. If she exists then she is just as humble as before. I know that all Kuma ever wanted was to be with me.

In the first 6 months, I dreamt about Kuma only twice that I knew of. Once I heard her whine very clearly in my dream like she was there beside me. It felt great to hear her. But, then no more dreams.

Then after 7 months, I started having horrible nightmares. Two very vivid ones were:

1. I dreamt people everywhere were trying to kill Kuma. At first a crowd of people were trying to get close to her to reach her to kill her. Then two girls came doing cartwheels, holding knives in each hand. They were trying to stab Kuma. They didn't. Then a third man came throwing spears, two foot long arrows of steel at Kuma. He didn't hit her. One came straight at her and some other man stopped it with his hand just infront of her. It wasn't me. I didn't stop the spears, but someone did.

I woke up and tried to understand the dream and realized it was the three attempts to kill Kuma. In the third one, the man did what I wish I had done - stop the final needle and save Kuma.

2. A few days later I had another very strange and grotesque dream. My stepmother loved animals and she has been dead now for about 20 years. I felt close to her and often call on her to help. I had been asking alot lately for her and anyone else to come into my dreams or show me a sign.

This dream was about my stepmother. She was skiing in the hills in Greece. There was no snow only white sand. As I tried to follow her and never quite seeing where she went, I came to the top and she wasn't there. I found some guides and asked them to help me look for her. They couldn't find her. Later I heard on their radio that someone else had found a woman in the woods that was beheaded. My guides then went to a cabin and layed down on a second bed. I knelt on the first bed that looked empty. Then there was a body under the sheets. It was her. As she realized that I was there, she came to life. She grabbed my hands and held them. She sat up without her head and from her bleeding trunk out came a bloody head of a dog. I thought it was Kuma and as I remembered that I would not be afraid of any sign at all, I leaned toward the head and the dog head leaned toward me.

I woke up feeling Kuma's head pressing against mine. I could feel the pressure on the side of my head and I could feel my stepmothers hands in my hands. I layed there, knowing that I was awake and that this was a dream. Yet, I still clearly felt her fingers under mine and Kuma's head against mine. It was a wonderful feeling. I held onto this feeling for a while, then had to get up to pee. I knew that if I moved, I would lose that connection, but I had to get up. I got up and felt wonderful for hours.

And then a very pleasant dream:

A few days later, I found myself dreaming that Kuma was there on the floor. It was not the past but it was now and Kuma was alive. I remember thinking to myself that this is what I had hoped for, this is what I wanted, but how can it be. How can Kuma be alive? How can I feel Kuma? She is real and she is alive, this is great. This was real to me, not a dream.

I didn't remember this dream when I woke up. I only remembered it later in the day and remembered how clearly I saw everything. How can our minds recreate everything is such exact detail? How can feelings be so real?

Update: later in the day, I remembered that after the wonderful feeling of seeing and holding Kuma alive in that dream, she fell asleep and died.