Kuma did not deserve to die the way she did, in pain and without respect. This bothers me because it is wrong but it is over and it will not bring Kuma back. I can blame others and be mad at the Vet who decided on her own to stop Kuma's treatment but this will not make things better. Thinking about how Kuma died hurts but it happened and its over. I will still pursue it because it was unfair, but it will not help Kuma now.

This is what I cry about every day. I cannot accept that she is not here when she should have been. I cannot accept that it was her time to die. Kuma was not ready to die. She should not have died. She was strong and healthy and actually getting healthier. She was just sleeping and the plan was to give her a chance to settle down her brain and let her wake up in a day or two. She should have woken up and I should have brought her home. We did not spend the money and effort in the hospital for the Vet on duty that day to decide herself that Kuma should go back into seizures and be put down.

The cold days are finally here and Kuma would have enjoyed them. She should be in the car with me now on the way to Tim Horton's for a cream cheese bagel and then on the way to the park for her walk.

The frustration of knowing what should be and knowing instead what was done is the point that is most difficult for me to accept. I can't accept it yet. In my head I scream to go backwards in time and change just any one of several things that would have ensured that she would be here like she was supposed to. I suppose the hardest thing to change in my mind and accept is that I just know. I just know that she was fine and that she should be here. I cannot change this knowing. I cannot lie to myself and say that what happened is better. No, Kuma should be here now. She should be alive and she should be enjoying her life that she still fought for in the hospital.

What I miss most is that I cannot communicate with Kuma. She is nowhere and her brain is wiped out. She does not exist. There is no way for me to reach her and for her to know. I see her clearly in my mind and I see her face and her eyes, but this is not real, just imagination.

The biggest thing we had in the last three years was communication. Kuma gradually lost her hearing and we communicated with our eyes. She would look at me when she wanted to say something with her eyes. It's those eyes looking back at me saying something that I will never see again that makes me cry. Not being able to communicate with Kuma, having it all shut off like it never existed makes me unsettled. I cannot imagine it.

Kuma doesn't exist and I can't reach her to communicate with her. But she should be here now.