What do I miss about Kuma?

Holding her warm body, hearing her breathe. Kissing her head, smelling her, watching her walk.

Her big eyes, watching her eat, cooking for her and feeding her. Helping her walk, seeing her excited - getting a cheese bagel at Tim Hortons, iwalks in the park sniffing all around. Running up and down excited in the gym. Barking at me. Playing with me. Her paws, holding her paw, sleeping with her, hearing her sigh and relax with a big loud breath out like a human. Hugging her, my face in her fur, her looking at me, her wanting to be with me, getting in the car, head out the window, driving to Toronto and staying up watching the road with me.

All of these things that I miss are physical things. Even if Kuma exists somewhere in a spiritual world, I will not feel these physical things again and these are the things that I want to feel again. I want Kuma back the wey she was but healthier. This could have and should have been.

But, if I miss the physical things, why do I not just replace her with another puppy or adopt another old dog? Or replace her with a relationship with someone else. Maybe in time, but I miss her as she was. To try to replace her would be like a parent trying to replace their child with another child. It is not even remotely the same.

Kuma was not just a dog.

I loved and still love Kuma more than any human being I have ever loved. I spent more time with her and had a more honest and pure relationship than with any human being. People are devious and selfish and eventually all my relationship have broken down for whatever reason. With Kuma I had TRUST and LOVE that I have not had with anyone before. I thought I had that with people and family but it was damaged if not destroyed and it went away.

I spent 17 years with Kuma, 8 years were 24 hours a day and the last 3 years were with only Kuma and no other relationships. For 3 years I talked to Kuma and spent every minute with her. Until someone has a relationship like this and experiences what I did with Kuma then no one has a voice in what I should feel and not feel. This is why I should not have listened to others when they said that it was time to let her go. I had no idea how much I would lose.