10 Weeks Today

I am sleeping and eating well and started training again. In this regard I am doing better. I have also spent time researching, thinking and writing and that has helped resolve issues and questions about why, how and what I should have done. In a physical way I am progressing ahead. But the mental pain and sorrow gets better and worse.

I still relive the most important instances of when I should have changed things. I find myself going around in circles with no solution and understand that I will have to live in this cognative dissonence forever. I feel it will never be corrected.

I spent a large part of today researching Quantum mechanics and theory. Why because on the smallest scale of sub atomic particles the laws of physics, gravity and time and space are thought to be different and this is where I look for hope in finding a way back to being with Kuma. Yes, I know it is silly because we cannot go back in time and we cannot cross over to another universe but my mind is not limited by rationale only, it is willing to hope and search for anything possible to see Kuma again.

At the end of the day a sobering thought arises. None of this will work and I will not ever see Kuma again. I cannot go back in time. It is gone. Kuma is gone and I will have to one day soon say goodbye to Kuma. Then I cry. Because I know it is true and I know I will have to give up hope. I know I will have to sever our bond, our relationship and let her go. She did not want to go and I dd not want her to go.

I still keep all of Kuma's things here, things that in her small world she owned. Her water bowl, her grooming things, her medicines, her toys, her pillows, her food bowls, her bed, her cookies, her booties were all the possessions that belonged to Kuma. I kept holding out in case she needed them, but she will not need them anymore. I still put out fresh water in her water bowl twice a day hoping she will drink.

But this is where my otherwise intelligent mnd breaks down. Kuma has been dead for 10 weaks and I still have kept her things waiting in case she came back. And, now I realize that I will have to say goodbye to her and to her things.

I spent many or most nights looking at pictures and videos of Kuma but I don't want to keep doing that. I want to remember Kuma as I remember her and not as the pictures or videos remember her. By looking at them too much, I start to forget the image that I have in my mind and replace it with the pictures and videos.

I feel guilty that I am here like nornal and Kuma is not. She wanted to be here. this is Kuma's place, her bed. This is where Kuma lived and this is where she wanted to come back to from the hospital.

The Vet that admitted Kuma to the hospital was the one that examined Kuma thoroughly and she is the one that was optimistic that Kuma would be ok and back to normal in 3 to 4 days. The other Vets that took it upon themselves to call Cheryl knew nothing about Kuma. Why did they, why did Cheryl, want Kuma dead after only two days, 44 hours? What was the rush, why could they not wait for the 3 or 4 days to let Kuma live? I still struggle with this anger every day. Why did I not stop them? Kuma was sleeping not in pain. What was the rush?