Pain

Unlike physical pain, mental pain is intolerable in a different way.

It's not sharp and you can't really identify it, it is just constantly there and it hurts.

A large part of who I am, my identity, my purpose has been ripped out of me. It left a big open hole.

The cognitive dissonence that will never be corrected.

The "knowing" of what should be and isn't and never will be.

The regrets that will never be corrected.

The absoluteness and permanency of the mistakes.

Not being able to say goodbye.

The loss of enjoyment of anything else.

It is a deep down aching pain that you feel as "I can't stand it" and that "it will never be fixed".

It is always there but erupts into unexpected intense waves of anxiety, pacing, inability to catch a breath, anger, and a feeling that you will burst from the inside.

The empty aloneness after being a part of a team for as long as you can remember.

The feeling of betraying your partner and best friend who trusted you 100%.

Reminding yourself a thousand times a day that she is dead and you have to live the rest of your life without her and without ever seeing or holding her again.

Being angry at the people who wanted her dead and caused it to happen doesn't help because you ultimately know that you alone are responsible and you could have stopped it.

Knowing that she was so loving and that people she was once close to just didn't care.