Why do I Continue to Grieve?

I continue to think of Kuma, picture her in my mind, talk to her in my head, feel myself hold and rub her head and generally try to pretend that she is still here with me. Why? Is this not just a waste of time and an escape from reality? Here are some of the reasons of why I think I still continue to grieve for Kuma.

It's been 3 years and 10 months since Kuma was killed. Yet I still try to keep her alive in my head. In some ways it feels like a long time and in other ways it feels like no time has passed and in fact like she did not die and is still here. Yes I understand that I have not let her go and am not willing to let her go.

One of the reasons I still grieve is I have trouble letting good things in my life go. They stay in my memory as nice little movies to play and enjoy. They stay because as I get older I seem to be increasing my capacity for appreciation. The more I appreciate, the more I am in awe of the great gift I have received. The more I see in something or someone the more I appreciate how special they are. I appreciated Kuma more and more as we both got older. I appreciated her to the point that nothing else in my life mattered and I was willing to spend all my time with her. I was willing to give up everything outside of my life with Kuma. Nothing else mattered. Nothing outside of our time together was important. Priorities changed. Everything else could wait because Kuma was number one in my life and this time together was not going to last very long. But yet this time together is lasting much longer than I thought. It is in some way still here.

Another reason I still grieve is that I feel good thinking about Kuma. Spending time with Kuma in my head gives me a peaceful feeling. It grounds me. It reminds me that nothing else is important. It is my meditation. It is the strong feeling of the love, the bond, the connection we had that I will never be able to explain and will only be able to feel. It makes me feel good to feel that. The ultimate feeling is dreaming about Kuma. It feels real in my dreams and I wake up feeling wonderful.

Grieving for Kuma makes me constantly question what is life and what is death. In my grieving I am still searching for where did Kuma go after she died. Where did my relatives go after they died? Is there something after death or is there just nothing? This unsolved feeling will always keep me searching for Kuma. Because if I knew for sure that there is nothing after death, that Kuma truely no longer exists then I would face that I am wasting my time thinking about her and wanting to spend time with her in my head. If there is nothing then this is all useless.

I also grieve for Kuma out of guilt. Somehow in some rediculously selfish way I think that by talking to her, telling her I love her, patting her head and telling her I am sorry a thousand times over that I can make up for letting them (Cheryl and the vet) kill her. My guilt hopes over and over again that somehow she is still here and can hear me and I can let her know just how forever sorry I am so that she can forgive me. If she is still here, if she can still hear me, if she can still feel. Otherwise, what is the point? This does feel selfish.

 As time goes on further away from Kuma's life, everything becomes more and more a distraction from my time with her, my grieving. I feel guilty for being distracted and not spending time with Kuma. So I grieve, I go back and it grounds me. It reminds me of what is important in life and everything that distracts from that is not important.