Rearview Mirror

The rearview mirror gets bigger every day. For some strange reason, I find myself drifting more and more into moments from the past. It's not that I want to, I just seem to find myself thinking about things and feeling them as if they were real and here today. Is this a normal occurance as one gets older?

This morning I woke up dreaming that I was bringing Kuma some fresh food. I asked her to 'stay' while I went to get it. She was so obliging. I went looking for her food and then woke up. "I need to go back to sleep because Kuma is waiting for her food". This is where reality blurs. After a bit, I realize it's just a dream, but still I want to bring Kuma her food.

I dream of Kuma more than I realize, maybe even every day. For some reason my mind wants to carry on our strong relationship like it is still here. Some days I wake up feeling really good. The feeling of having spent time with Kuma makes me content even if logically I know it is not real.

But my rearview mirror gets bigger It starts to include regrets of lost opportunities in investing and in moving forward, past relationships with exgirlfriends. For example. I bought a new car last year. If I had waited just nine months to buy the car and instead put the money for the car into the stock instead, I would have made $1 million. Just nine months later I could have cashed in just a small portion of the stock and had a free car.

I drift back to when I first saw bitcoin trading. I made a note in my todo list to buy some bitcoin at $1. Any amount then would be millions today.

I catch myself thinking about past relationships with girlfriends that were good to me and why wasn't I better to them. How would my life be different today if I was with them. They gave me discipline which on my own I don't have. Discipline to do the daily things of life like cleaning and eating and exercising. I keep wondering what would life be like today.

My father used to say to me that on days that I find myself thinking that I was stupid, that means that I am getting smarted. Boy, I must be really smart now.