Now

It`s been 11 months since Kuma is not here and I am still in disbelief. I push myself to move ahead, to socialize, to plan but every once in a while a stop sign hits me in the face and I realize that I am alive, this is now and Kuma is really not here.

Everything is a Distraction

The more I try to do things, to work on things, watch tv or movies, talk to people the more I feel I am skipping or wasting time. That`s because the only thing I want to do is be with Kuma or at least be with her in my thoughts. So I feel that when I am not thinking about her then I am distracted and doing something that doesn`t matter. I am losing time.

Normally, it should be the other way around. I should feel productive doing work and I actually do feel that I am moving ahead when I connect with and talk with people. But, when it is over, I feel like I have been away and time has slipped by.

Time

I am more confused about what is Time than ever. Scientists are also confused. In Quantum Theory when they measure light photon pairs they find they can change the behaviour of a photon in the past or in the future and it doesn`t matter how far away it is or how long. They are thinking even in billions of light years.

Personally, I thought to myself when I looked at my grandfather who was 65 and I was 10 years old, I will be his age in the blink of an eye. Well now is now and I am 63. So how did that happen? Looking back it feels like a long time, but how is it now that I am here? How is it that in another blink everything will change and I will be 75 and 90? Time is definately not standing still and it seems to move in steps of consciousness.

I just saw my daughter who I haven't seen in 5 years. How is it that the moment I saw her there was no time between the last time I saw her? Five years just disappered. She said she felt the same.

Time seems to be an outside linear measure of events but inside our consciousness all time seems to be the same with no space of distance. Only now, this instance is our time and there seems to be no space between now, the past or the future, it all feels the same. Maybe it is because it is in our minds now.

The Insignificance of Me

The world is fine without me. Whether I am here or not here, nothing will change. When Kuma died, nothing changed in the world. The birds still flew and sang, traffic was the same on the street and each day came and went without change. It will be the same for me. The day after I die, the world will go on unaffected. What is alive will still be alive without me in the picture.

So if I am not here to affect the world, then why am I here?

The Purpose of Life

In the movie, "Lucy", Morgan Freeman's character, Profeesor Norman says. "For primitive beings like us, life seems to have only one single purpose: gaining time. And it is going through time that seems to be also the only real purpose of each of the cells in our bodies." He goes on to say that the purpose of life is to reproduce and to pass on knowledge.

In the day to day or year to year picture, what is my purpose in life? If I know that the world will be the same after I leave it, then why am I here? Am I just supposed to enjoy and have fun and pay the bills? Is that it? Just go from day to day until it"s the end?

Lately I feel more peaceful and the only purpose I can feel a little bit is that if I am going to leave then I should help people who I can help if they want me too. Lately, I feel that the only thing of importance is human interaction, spending time with someone and talking and listening. Being consious and sharing that moment with someone. Connecting. Nothing I do for myself seems to be important other than just keeping up with daily living. The only value seems to be what I can do for others right now.

Priorities change. What is important changes. Spending the remaining little time left on the little help that I give. Spending time trying to connect with Kuma, remembering Kuma is mostly all that is important to me now.

We All Feel Unique Yet We are Mostly the Same

We seem to strive to be different, to stand out, to be the best. And each person is different to some extent.

Was Kuma an individual or was she part of a bigger species, spirit or consciousness? I looked at her as an individual with her own memories. To replace her with an exact clone of her would not mean a thing to me. It was her uniqueness, her individual personality, character and her memories that will never be reproduced.

I struggle lately with understanding if I am really unique or am I just part of the world and much the same as everyone else. If I understand that I am part of the whole human race and my individuality really doesn't matter to anyone, then my life purpose is really not important to anyone but me and I am no more important than a fish in the sea or an animal in the herd.

It actually gives me a bit of peace. I can relax because no one depends on me and life will go on just fine without me. Only Kuma needed me to live. I needed to be heathy and do things for her. I had to keep pushing forward. But now, there is no one waiting for me at home, nothing I need to do for anyone. Time now is my own.

My time was shared with Kuma. Now my time is all mine alone.

I am here now and Kuma isn't. She wanted to be here and she would have been here now if Cheryl, who knew nothing, had not told them to kill her.