Guilt

Guilt is internal rot. It comes from something we did in the past that we cannot change and for which we cannot find forgiveness. Like a transaction on the blockchain it is sealed forever. A new transaction can be made but the original can never be changed. What is the worst guilt we can have?

For me the most painful gut wrenching guilt comes from betrayal. Betraying your most loyal, most loving friend. Betraying a vulnerable friend who trusted you all there lives and lived for you. Someone who trusted you with their life. Someone who rolled over for you and exposed their heart to you. Vulnerable and trusting.

In human relationships that would be your closest trusted loyal friend who you built up and trained and put up on a pedestal infront of your business and business partners, opened your bank accounts and gave you signing authority, included you as closest family. Then you conspired and planned in advance to betray them, lie about what you are going to do and instead take money out of the bank, and sneak away leaving your closest friends including your dog forever. But that is not my guilt, that is for someone closest to me to live with if they have a conscience at all, which I suspect they don't. Otherwise how could they live with this and be proud of any of their accomplishments.

No, that's not for me to live with. I have my own guilt.

My guilt began to infest me the day that I allowed them to kill Kuma. My guilt explodes when I see her big brown eyes looking up at me, trusting me to take care of her, to protect her when she coudn't fend to herself. Even though I did not give the order to kill her, her mother did, I should have fought harder to stop it. Oh yes, I begged them to wait another day until her vet came back, but I was not strong enough to stand up for my Kuma and just tell them "NO!!!". So instead today I live with her big brown eyes looking at me. I live with her laying beside me and yawning know that I was there to protect her and now she can rest peacefully - just before they came in to kill her. This moment will never go away.

Yes it is in the past but it is locked away and can never be changed.

Instead this guilt lives forever and eats away my insides everyday. We pay for this kind of guilt for the rest of our lives and possibly even longer.

Guilt redefines who we thought we were. This new definition of ourselves will always have this stain of betrayal that can never be washed away. We can never be clean again.

We can try to be foregiven but we can never forgive ourselves.

To compound this horrible act will always be the fact that Kuma was the most innocent, trusting, kind and loving being you could ever have the honour to trust you. Kuma was killed in the most horrific betrayal just when she was resting peacefully, relaxing knowing that I was there beside her to take care of her.

Guilt rots your insides with a stench that can never be cleaned.