I Eventually Lose Everything

I have a few ingrained beliefs. When I was young I always found money. I just had to look down and I would find change. It was expected and it always worked.

Later when I was in awful situations with no income, money would show up. It just appeared. It was a belief and it always happened. When I had my business and no clients, it happened out of the blue. It was a belief.

But behind this belief was a contrary belief that eventually I would lose everything. In relationships when I was too happy, I knew I would lose that relationship. In money when I made too much, I would lose it all. For some reason I felt comfortable being back at base zero starting all over again. It got to the point where I said to people that I didn't want the future because the future would just bring bad news. People I loved would die, relationships would break up no matter how happy I was, in fact I was afraid to be too happy because that would quickly change.

Today, I have lost many or most things in my life that I built up or had. I keep sending myself back down to the ground. I lost my houses, my business and my best friends. I lost Kuma even when I tried to hold onto her knowing that I would lose her one day. I hug people closely knowing that I will lose them.

I fear losing what I hold closest to me. I fear losing what I built up. A castle on the beach swept away with the tide.

There is a Japanese proverb that says consider the cup already broken. I heard this many years ago and it helped me to not worship my things too much and to use them for what they were until they broke. But, if everything in my life will break then what do I really have? What will I end up with. Is the answer "nothing"? Is it all dust to dust?

The question then is, if I will eventually lose everything, then what do I really have? The answer of course is that I really don't have anything. Nothing, nada. Eventually it will all go away. The only thing I have is the short time with what I have. The short time with Kuma, with family, with friends with luxuries and comforts because they will wash away with time. So time is all I have. And everyday is one more day in time. A bonus, a gift, one extra day. If I can enjoy that one extra day, then I can be happy for a short time, regardless of what I have and what I have lost. Thank you for today.