Why are Wrong Decisions Made?

It's not coincidental that so many wrong decsions that all lead to Kuma's death were made. Was it fate of destiny? Was it meant to be? No, it was something else. It was an underlying cause of all of our wrong decisions.

We think we have free will but the choices we make are not made individually. They are based on our beliefs and our fears that are underlying. Once we start a decision in one direction, we tend to make the next decision following the same flow. But this flow of decisions is not apparent and we just go with the flow thinking that we make each decision individually. I don't think we do.

The Flow

The only explanation I can piece together for why I made so many wrong decisions that all lead to Kuma's death was that I was following a flow. I imagine this flow as a current of water or even magnetism under the ground and invisible to us above ground. We don't see it or feel it or even know that it is there, yet we follow it and each decsion we make takes us further down the underground river following its path and its flow.

In my dark grieving for Kuma I have sat inside of repeatedly asking myself why. Why did I let this happen. What did I do wrong. I completely examined myself and realized my shortcomings or limitations that caused me to make 99 wrong turns that lead to Kuma's death. Why did I let this happen. Why did I not do something to stop or avoid it. The deeper I questioned myself, the closer I got to understanding that these mistakes I made were a part of my life for a very long time, actually since I can ever remember.

What Guides Our Flow

We are on track with our underground flow of life. Where we are today, how we live, how successful we are, how much money we have or our net worth, our body appearance, our discipline and our basic contentment and happiness in life all follow the flow that we can't see.

So what guides our flow? And how can we change it?

Much of our flow was put in place when we were too young to understand. Decisions were made for us before we could make a decision of whether to accept or reject these things that were being put into our subconscious mind. These things that make up our guiding flow are our subconscious memories of our beliefs and fears. These beliefs and fears reside deep inside and create our flow underground, a flow that is not visible unless we begin to examine why we do things.

Our Beliefs

Let's start by saying that you and I are exactly where we believe we should be. Our bank accounds and investments are what we believe we are capable of deserving and managing. I weigh as much as I believe I should weight. My living circustances are what I believe I deserve.

Every decision I make subconsciously backs up and reinforces my belief. I chose the decision that will make my belief come true. My choices are not really my own, they follow a path of my belief. They are the result of my belief.

Let;s look at this another way. Say I want something very much but my underlying belief is that either that I don't deserve it or that I will fail attempting to achieve it. How do you think I will make my decisions? Will I make the right decisions to achieve what I say I want or will I make the decisions that will support my belief?

Our Fears

Animals are taught fears from their parents so that they can protect themselves in life. Similarly, our parents pass on their fears from their life experiences in order for us to learn to protect ourselves. And again, these fears are poured into our subconscious at such an early age that we have no say in the matter. We cannot choose nor decide if these are real fears or not. We simply accept them and tuck them deep into our subconsious. They become part of our flow that guides all of our decisions. Most of the time we don't even know that we have these fears. We don't know that we are guided by them. They are hidden in our underground flow, invisible to us.

Some of the most common fears that are poured into our heads are:

• fear of being alone
• fear of coloring outside the lines
• fear of being ostracized from the group
• fear of loss
• fear of being poor
• fear of not being liked
• fear of homelessness
• fear of being naked
• fear of being successful
• fear of standing out

zzz

 

more later.....

Alright enough with the psychology lesson, how did this affect Kuma?

Looking back and realizing just how many wrong decisions I made that all led to Kuma being killed, I examined myself. I kept asking myself why and how cold I have been so stupid. Why didn't I do something earlier to heal her? These are the questions that haunt me today. Why didn't I see it then, why didn't I react and do something. Why didn't I save Kuma earlier. Kuma really should have been alive today.

Examining myself and seeing all these wrong decisions and inactions is what led me to scream our that I hate myself. Looking deeper, I saw that this formed a pattern in my life. My entire life I had made the same wrong decisions and the same mistakes. I had grown older but was still falling down on the same things. I never stood up for myself, I hid and waited for things to get better on their own. I started to see the underground flow. I started to examine the beliefs and fears that guided this flow and all my decisions. The flow that was responsible for where I am in my life. The flow that resulted in Kuma not living out her full life and being killed before her time.

 

 

 My Flow

As a young child I was raised by a bully. A bully that loved me as much as he could, but everything in his life was a reflection of himself. He built himself up by accumulating things - possessions that made him look successful. I was a possession that he loved and controlled. He wanted me to be the best. I was never good enough and a constant dissappointment. He was a perfect god and I was criticised ever step I made. Every choice I made was wrong until I was unable to make choices any more. Everything I tried to do on my own was criticized with, "you never", "you can't", "you always" until I started to hide. Hiding became my only defence from the criticism and ridicule. I stopped fighting back because it only caused more. My safe place became inside my head where I just stayed until it was over. Fighting back only prolonged it. So stay quiet and it will be over sooner became my ultimate strategy. Become a turtle. Don't react. Hide and wait.

I didn't understand any of this until I was 21 years old. I finally saw the bully and saw that I was not so flawed. But by then, it was too late. It was set deep in my subconsious and it guided not only how I felt about myself, but it made my decisions for me. I hid from the limelight feeling that being in public was dangerous and not knowing why. I was unable to make decisions and learned the fine art of putting important things off until I could decide later. Like rotting fruit on the counter, I left things go until they were no longer important. I made no commitments, I hid in the grey zone.

Public speaking required for my professional growth became an incapacitating stress and something I avoided. I froze with fear in the limelight. I became a consultant so that I could be in the background. I let my partner be the spokesman for my company. I built her as the brand of our company. Eventually, I stayed home where I felt secure. I did not want to go out unless I had to.

Today, I know this is a wrong belief and although I see where it came from, I still unconsiously believe it. I still don't want to go out in public and prefer to stay home alone in the quiet. Let the world spin without me.

And this is just one of probably hundreds of beliefs that were formed in my subconsious before I had a chance to decide if they were real or wrong. These beliefs form the underground river that all my individual decsions and acctions follow. It is the hidden flow that I follow.

I don't say any of this to criticise my upbringing. I love my family. They loved me and did the best they could. I am who I am today because of their caring and attention. They did the best they could. I only mention this to try to understand my underground flow that guides my decisions. And to understand how to change this flow.