Irreversable Nightmare

I woke up this morning with this most awful feeling. A nightmare so alarming it bolted me out of bed.

I dreamt I was sleeping with a young orange cat curled up in my armpit. For some reason I had decided that this beautiful cat should not live any longer. So I took a very sharp short curved knife like a rabbi's chalef but curved and cut this young orange cat's throat completely around. I was thinking that if I cut it's throat quickly while it was sleeping, it would not feel it. Why I needed to kill it, I don't know. But as I sliced it's neck around and blood started coming out, the beautiful orange cat woke up beside me and started nuzzeling my face in a loving way when it wakes up. At that point I thought, "what have I done??" I tried to hold it's head up and even push down thinking maybe holding it the insides would heal themselves and join back together. But as more blood came out I realized in panicked horror what I had done was irreversable. It was done and even though I changed my mind instantly I could not change what I had done. At that point I bolted up out of bed with the most painful, disgusting feeling that I could not reverse what had just happened.

I then realized that this is still what I live with everyday and cannot reverse or get rid of this feeling. I watched as they killed Kuma my beautiful Bouvier and instantly knew it was wrong but it was irriversable. She was in the middle of a seizure and I thought she would not know that they were killing her. They tried  three times over a half hour to stop her heart and couldn't because she kept fighting to live even while she was seizing.

I realize that in my dreams, I live everyday with this moment that I betrayed my little girl, this moment that I let them kill her, the moment that I realized it was wrong, the moment that I could not stop it and could never ever turn it back. I live with this irriversable moment everday.