Wasting Time

Stuck inbetween two worlds, spending time with Kuma in my thoughts and getting on with my life without her. I am in Limbo, neither here nor there. I feel like I am wasting time grieving and talking to Kuma in my head but then I feel that when I am distracted with the daily things in life, keeping busy then I am really wasting time.

It's been 9 months since I last wrote in this blog. I've thought about Kuma everday but I was busy helping my mom who had something like a stroke since December. I went from being a caregiver for Kuma and when she was gone, I became a caregiver for my mother. Life is strange that way, I've lived life in a mirror image. Things tend to repeat themselves in pairs. My house in Florida and my house in Montreal both were similar and both were lost the same way at the same time and beyond my involvement, both were historic properties and were demolished to piles of dirt. Within the same months both gone with all the memories inside them. But that is all another story.

For now I struggle with finding purpose in life and not feeling like everything I do is wasting time.

If I do what others expect in order to rejoin with people, I will go to a physical office for work, dress for business, move with purpose, come home, exercise, cut the grass and maintain the house. I will be on the go, keeping busy. But I have a bit of a problem with that. The more I start to do things and keep busy with tasks, the more I feel like I am wasting time in the bigger picture. It's because when I am busy, I don't spend any time thinking and sitting still. Doing tasks is unconscious work and avoidance of thought. If I continue along this path of being busy, I will surely distract myself until the time comes for me to die. Then I will ask myself, "what have I accomplished?". What really matters in the end or in preparing for the end. Does it matter that lawn is cut and the dishes are done? and that I have done that over and over thousands of times? Or that I have kept up with the news and the US presidents tweets?

I don't stop to stay still. Instead, I keep saying to myself, "hurry up, stop wasting time". When people ask me what I've done lately, I can list off numberous activities. But what if all these activities are just time fillers or distractions from what I really should be doing?

My most important thing has been to spend time with Kuma in my mind. Last night I dreamt of her, she was there, I held her, we walked and I talked to her like it was real. I woke up feeling really good for the first time in a long time. Feeling and spending time with Kuma in my head are the only real things that I want to do. But this is considered still grieving and grieving for too long and it is wasting time, not living.

So it brings me to the question of what is living then? If I knew I would die next Thursday, then what would I need to get done before then? Maybe not next Thursday, but in three months or next year or maybe even in 30 years. Why not, we all think we will live forever so might as well consider that I have another 30 years left. What do I need to get done before then so that I have not wasted my time.

And this is where I get stuck. Watching Kuma die and seeing nothing after has changed all my beliefs and hopes. When we die, there is nothing. Kuma is not up there running around on Rainbow Ridge listening to harp music. There is nothing. Kuma is nowhere and her memories are wiped out. (Of course I really hope that I am wrong about this, but I won't know until I die and see if there is anything there, if Kuma is there.) If memories are in the brain and the brain dies, the memories are erased like they never happened. If my computer hard drive goes kaput, then everything that I spent time imputting to it will be lost forever (if I didn't back it up). It won't be used. I could buy a brand new computer and start inputting all over again. I could get a clone of Kuma but without her memories and experiences, it is not Kuma. It was 17 years together that built Kuma and the feelings.

If when I die, my memories die with my brain and there is nothing after then what do I care what I did or accomplished before I died. The world will evolve and will eventually be destroyed without me.

So the hard part is trying to figure out what is important to do before I die in the time that I have left and what is not important and is in fact wasted time. Just because I am travelling really fast doesn't mean I am going in the right direction and will arrive at the destination. So rather than drive very fast in the wrong direction, how about if I just stay here and stay still until I know what direction I need or want to go in. I don't want to waste my time doing things that other people feel are important and productive.

Spending time grieving is wasting time. But rushing around and being busy makes me feel after 9 months that I have wasted time doing things. At least I helped my mother.