2016

This is my first post this year, 18 days have gone by since my last post.

 I realize that this pain will not go away. I will have to live with it and carry it with me forever. It is the pain of betraying my best friend. Kuma trusted me and relaxed when she saw I was there with her. She did not expect that she would be killed. Seeing me she felt safe.

I relive her final moments. Like a recurring bad nightmare that circles around and around until it comes back to the exact same spot and her breath stops from the poison needle in her back leg.

Each day I hate myself over and over again for not stopping them and not standing up for her.

Each day I hear those voices that said, "Ross its time to let her go" and I scream back at them and ask "Why?" Why did everyone say this? What did they know that I didn't? Kuma was healthy. She was walking around the best ever a day before. She had a great appetite and she pooped and peed normally. She didn't have cancer, her kidneys were fine and she didn't have any old dog problems. Kuma did have seizures in the last 5 months but this was caused by an infection that spread to her brain and should have been fixed. Kuma was getting healthier and stronger. She was gaining weight and her fur was getting thicker and fuller. Why would people say it was time to put her down? Especially people who had not seen her.

Why did the vets want to kill her? The first vet was the one that examined Kuma and she was optimistic. She said it would take Kuma a few days and about $2000 to get through whatever caused this but that she would be better than before. Why then did the next vet on duty call Cheryl just 6 hours later and try to convince her to kill Kuma? The third vet was the worst. She was on a warpath to get Kuma killed. She too called Cheryl. Why? And they finally killed Kuma in less than 48 hours since she was admitted. Why were they in a hurry. Kuma was not in pain, she was sleeping like she was supposed to. What was the rush to kill her?

The more this circles around the more I get angry at everyone who caused this to happen. I get angry at the vets, I get angry at Cheryl and I get angry at myself.

I get angry at the world and I lose faith.

I ask myself many questions. Real questions.

I look back and I realize that Cheryl wanted Kuma dead so that she would not have to thnk about her anymore. Cheryl at one time loved Kuma more than anything in her world. She raised Kuma and took care of her like she was her only child. But, 5 years ago, Cheryl met Eilieen and she left everything she had, she lied, stole and fled into hiding to be with Eileen. Cheryl left Kuma and has not seen or asked about her in years. With Kuma dead, Cheryl could finally relieve herself of any responsiblity to Kuma. Kuma still had many characteristics she learned from her mother and Kuma still remembered her. Yet, it was her mother Cheryl that gave the order to execute Kuma so that she could forget about her.

This is part of what makes me angry. And it makes me look back into what else Cheryl did.