Searching for a Sign

The past two to three weeks I have not written much in this blog. It is not because I didn't have any thoughts or much to say. My mind was racing, I had 10 articles a day in my head but I was still searching. I had no answers. I still don't have any answers but I am a bit quieter now.

I could not accept that Kuma was gone forever. Where is Kuma? Is she still here but I can't see her? Has she gone to another universe that I can't cross into? Is she safe, is she crying? Can I go back into the past? These all sound like questions from a lunatic and at this time they are.

I have read and tried to understand everything I can about Newtonian physics, Einstein's theories on relativaty and space-time and bending time. I have read and tried to understand quantum physics about how subatomic particles behave differently and change from being a particle to being a wave based on being observed or not and about how observing one particle affects another particle not in the same realm. I have read and explored about the universe and read various philosophers' beliefs about existence, life and death, consciousness, being and time.

I have read tons about Near Death Experiences and the current scientific efforts to prove them. I have read about mediums channeling the dead and especially about Edgar Cayce who was finally debunked for me, I have read Deepak Chopra's six ideas about why we should believe in the spiritual world and the afterlife and I have read the physicists point of view on why consciousness ends at the death of the brain. I have studied the brain, memory and neurology all in how it pertains to Kuma. I am not interested in anything else. I don't care about my own afterlife or death or anyone elses. I just want to know about how it all pertains to Kuma. I keep searching to try to disprove to myself my own belief that Kuma died and just went to nowhere, to nothing.

I have been screaming out asking for signs, something to believe in. "Someone please tell me that she is ok, where is she?" In the past 9 weeks, everything has been very eiry quiet. No signs. Going for walks and walking past the cemetary several times and asking anyone there (the dead) who has any way of giving me a sign that there is something after and that they know where Kuma is.

The quiet is almost a sign.

It has never been so quiet. I used to observe signs before. Signs like when I go to my car than return to pick something up only to see something else that was more important that I take as well. Usually a lot of signs that someone was watching over and protecting me and reminding me of important things. But, now, no more signs at all. I ask myself if Kuma was my connection and without her now I have no connection? Or, am I too frantic and the signs will come later.

A desparate mind will find things.

In my walk a fiew days ago in the dark I was walking down the street past a house then a small field. I heard a bark. It was one bark only, It was an old dog bark and it seems really close. I stopped. This was the same as Kuma's bark and she only barked once when she wanted my attention. I put my spotlight on on my phone and walked into the trees in the small field. Is there a old dog here laying on the ground somewhere? I looked but could not see anything. Further down was the river canal that was still and murky and pitch black. I stood there puzzled. Then I walked away. Spiritual beings can't make physical sounds I told myself.

As I walked away, I started having crazy desparate ideas. Was it possibly Kuma? Did she survive the euthanasia and come alive and escape the crematorium and they substituted her body with another one and didn't tell me and she walked back from Sherbrooke taking 8 weeks to get here and now she was lying in the woods barking for me? I went back and checked briefly in the dark again and again later that day. Nothing. I went home and checked on the internet about how euthanasia works and if pets have survived it. The euthansia drug used is similar or the same drug that was given to Kuma to stop her seizures but at high lethal doses. And sure enough there have been cases of animals surviving and living after. Animals that were euthanised woke up in the cooler days later then lived.

So did Kuma survive still? That would be the only possible way she could come back to me. It was ridiculously far fetched but still the only physical way it could happen. After a few days of going back and listening at the same spot, I heard nothing and finally gave up this idea. It didn't phase me that an intelligent person like me could suspend all logical rationale in a desparate search for signs or longings.

Yesterday I found Kuma's booties

When I was healing Kuma's paw from a cut and split that was bleeding, I wrapped it and tried to keep it dry when she went outside into the wet grass. I remembered she had winter booties to protect her feet so I searched all over for them for at least an hour two times. I wanted so much to find them and couldn't. It made no sense because I searched in all the places and in all the boxes sometime three times over before I finally gave up. Instead, I took an old glove and folded it over and with elastic bands attached it to Kuma's paw then put a plastic bag over it. Kuma just went with it, with this big glove on her foot as she went outside to sniff, and pee, poop and just to look around.

Yesterday, I was retracing Kuma's steps in the gym and trying to figure out why she went under the desk as if following a path somewhere. I looked under the desk and thought about how far she had gotten before she fell down, broke a glass jar and I had to pull her out. As I looked up I saw something behind the printer. There were Kuma's booties that I had searched for so frantically. In an instant without trying, I had found them. "Kuma, there are your booties". but Kuma doesn't need them now. She will never wear them again. But, it was a strange feeling finding them. Is this a sign? A desparate mind searching for something, anything just wants some reassurance, some sign that she is ok.

This morning

This morning I woke up to a loud agressive knocking on the door. I knew it was not real. It was not a physical knocking on the door, but it was loud enough in my mind to jolt me awake. I got up, knowing that it was not real, but stood there for a while. I didn't check out the door at all. Instead, I reminisced to myself of how this happened about 3 or 4 other times in my life. Usually it was someone like my dead grandmother calling out my name. Then too I would bolt out of bed and wonder why.

Tonight

At night I looked up at the sky like I always do to ask where Kuma is. Saw something I never saw before. A big streak of light about the size of my thumb falling straight down from the sky in the east over the garage. Must have been a plane behind the clouds. No planes don't go that fast or straight down. At first I dismissed it as something I must have imagined because it was nothiing that made any sense. I went inside and looked it up on the internet.

I saw a meteor or what people call a falling start. But it was not a thin line streak, it was fat like a comet trail or something. Actually the proper term is Geminid which is what a Meteor is called at this time of year. In December 11 to 12 it is supposed to be the time the earth turns through meteor debris of a broken pieces of a comet that burn up as they pass through the earths atmosphere. Cool, I saw one. Actually on a clear night there are supposed to be 100 per hour in the early evening around 9 to 10 pm. But I saw one big one.

649

I turned in my 649 ticket that won $10 and bought another one for $4 and pocketed the $6. That ticket then won another $10. Maybe my luck is turning

I look desparately for anything that seems like a sign and I dismiss all these little silly things. I am still waiting.