Reality Started Erupting Today

Tonight I was driving to Canadian Tire to do something productive. I was going to replace my right brakelight that burned out 6 months ago. Sitting alone in silence for two days, I needed to get out for a while.

As I was going down the highway, something started to swell up inside me. Out of nowhere, thoughts and feelings started coming out. From a voice deep within, I started screaming.

"I did this! I killed Kuma! I didn't stop it! She was suffering with her head trauma since March and I let it happen. I did nothing. I let it happen!!".

Then in an instant, I saw my entire life the same way, where I have always just let things happen and not do something to stop them, not stand up and change things. I saw my weakness, my inaction, my inability to think on my feet and make the right decision.

I screamed, "I HATE MYSELF!!"

At this point I almost ran the car off the road. What I had just realized was so strong and powerful and it came from deep within. I hated myself, my weakness. I was completely responsible. I could have stopped this anytime and I didn't. I hated who I was and always have been.

I got off the road and pulled into a parking lot and sat there. I'd just seen my reality. I called my mother because I was scared. I needed to talk. After an hour of crying and listening I felt sorry that I unloaded this on my mother. I knew that she cared and this worried her. She tried to find ways for me to deal with this and get out of this. She tried to find reasons for why I felt like this. Connecting with my mother helped calm me. She asked if I was upset for Kuma or for myself.

I stopped talking for a while and just listened. Then I said to her, "maybe now that I know I hate myself this could be the beginning of change".

I came into the hospital that day bringing Kuma food and expecting that she would need one more day there to fully recover. It had only been two days and she needed at least three maybe four. This is my reality.