Feelings

I cannot begin to explain what Kuma meant to me nor the depth of loss I feel.

I appreciated every moment with her and I am realizing just how important she was in my life and how much I miss her. She was ripped away and I realize what a big hole is left.

These feelings are at times overwhelming and I don't know what to do. Each day I try to deal with it but it comes back in enormous waves of feelings of utter fear, panic and anxiety. I have not yet dealt with the fact that she is gone and not coming back. Yes, I know it but I still can't accept it. It's all too real.

And here's why.

Knowing

This feeling of "knowing" is absolutely the hardest to deal with. Knowing that Kuma was not ready to die and was not supposed to die and knowing that she should be here now is a feeling that I cannot change. I just know. It is deep down and absolute. I know that this should not have happened. This was not meant to be.

Knowing that when I said to Kuma in her final moments, "Ok Kumi if you're going to come up with another miracle, now is the time", that she felt me there and understood like she had so many times before. Knowing that she responded and started her miracle by starting to wake up and knowing that we killed her before she had a chance. These are the things that I just know.

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Kuma and I had an understanding.

I would always be there for her and take care of her and she would always be here and let me take care of her. I knew she was ok. When she had had a few seizures already and woke up in the middle of the night and started being uncomfortable, I knew she would be ok and not have a seizure. I don't know how or why I knew, I just knew and put my arm on her and calmed her and in minutes she went back to sleep. I knew it was not her time and she would be ok.

I knew Kuma was strong. When her vet took a blood test in April and came back shaking her head in disbelief at the numbers, I already knew that Kuma was healthy and her heart was strong.

Relationship - Being There

Kuma was more than 'just a dog'. Kuma was my best friend who never left. We were each others constant companion every minute of the day especially for the last three years. I talked to Kuma and she understood. I don't know how because she could not hear at all, but she did. Kuma needed me and she looked for me every minute when she was awake and even when she was asleep. When she slept she pushed her paws out to touch me to know that I was still there.

In the last three years, it was just me and her. She stayed while everyone else close to me left. She didn't just stay because she had nowhere else to go, I mean she lived when she should have died because she wanted to.

Relationship - Being Together

Nobody spent as much time with Kuma as I did. Nobody knew how Kuma felt like I did. Nobody knew how strong Kuma was in her head like I did. So, why would I listen to people who said to me that it was time to let her go? Why would I listen to the Vet and to Kuma's Vet when they both said to put her down. They did not know her. They did not see her before. They assumed that she was old and weak and would not recover and would only suffer.

Why would I expect anyone to understand.

Understanding

We communitcated with our eyes and we understood each other. Kuma cried when she wanted my attention and needed something. I understood what she needed even though the cries all sounded the same. I talked to her in a normal voice and she understood. How, I don't know but she did.

I had a strong feeling I believed in.

Guilt

I am to blame. I am the one who listened to the Vet and allowed Kuma to be moved to the 'mourning room' where she would be killed. I signed the paper to kill her. I called the Vet to come in and killl her. When he tried twice and failed, I told him to hurry up and do it. I am the one who killed Kuma. And, now I am the one who realizes I shouldn't have allowed it to happen. I am the one who regrets what I did. I am the only one. Kuma only had me to protect her. She only had me to do what was best for her. She only had me to save her and I didn't. This is my reality that hits me in the head like a sledge hammer.

Sorrow

Deep down imploding sorrow that makes me feel like my heart will explode and I can't breathe another breath. Sorrow that I can't see ever going away.

Emptyness

I have a big hole inside me. I am in a big hole. Without Kuma in my life and my day and night, everything is empty, meaningless and with no purpose. Nothing is important without her. Part of me was ripped out and left a hole.

I don't want to go to bed and to sleep in the emptiness. When I wake up I don't want to get out of bed for another day of emptiness. There is nowhere I have to go and nothing I want to do. Without having to do things for Kuma, I have nothing to do.

Loneliness

Without Kuma, I am alone. I stay alone and talk to no one. I catch myself talking to her but then feel stupid because she is not there and will not hear me ever.

Regret

I regreat so many things that I cannot list them. Starting right from when I first saw symptoms of her nose dripping and rubbing her head into the pillow, I regret not taking action and getting to the root of the problem to fix it then and not letting it get worse. I regret not having the money to take Kuma to the vet earlier and trying to figure it out myself. I regret not acting and doing for Kuma what she needed taken care of. Every step of the way that sent Kuma on this path I could have changed her direction and I let it go.

I regret when I brought Kuma into the hospital not allowing the Vet to take a blood test because it cost too much. I regret not agreeing to do an MRI. In hindsight both these things would have told us what we are dealing with with Kuma and would have shown us if there was a way to fix it right away instead of leaving it up to her to fix herself.

 

I guess the hardest part that I am facing is accepting that this happened, that Kuma is really gone and will never come back. I still cannot accept it. I keep repeating it to myself like it was the first time I realize it that :Kuma is not here" "Kuma is gone" and I still don't understand it. She was here, right here just a moment ago. she has always been here. I look at where she should be and again say to myself, "Kuma is gone".