How do I Feel Now? 9 Weeks

Tomorrow will be 9 weeks since Kuma was killed. I am not handling this well. Everything I have done in life I have taken to the extreme and I seem to be doing this now in grieving and missing Kuma.

Let me start by saying that I have not yet accepted or dealt with the fact that she is not here. I look at familiar surroundings and try to take her out of the picture. I see her where she was and still have to say to myself over and over each day that "she is not here, she is dead and she will never come back."

But worse than that, I relive very specific instances where I could have changed things and she would be alive today. I relive them to the point where I get very anxious and then very angry at people and then at myself.

I relive the moment when I asked Kuma to show me a sign and she did by waking up and yawning and yet I did nothing to change the path.

I relive the moment when she knew I was there and became very peaceful then almost immediately went into bad seizures. I get angry because this was purposely caused by the Vet who stopped giving her the anticonvulsant medication. How could a Vet do this knowingly and purposely. Vet's are supposed to care for animals. Even if the Vet thought that Kuma should die she should not have stopped her medication abruptly. And this is not the Vet's decision.

But wait, it was Cheryl who said to the Vet that she wanted Kuma killed. And she closed out the bill and would not allow any more charges. Cheryl's anger and stupidity killed Kuma. Her kneejerk reaction without thinking through the consequences that Kuma would suffer by not having a cent more spent on her. And how stupid is it to give up the entire expenditure thus far because you don't want to spend another dollar? $1800 down the drain wasted. With a few hundred dollars more, Kuma would have lived and walked out of the hospital.

When I checked Kuma into the hospital, they had her records on file since 2003 when she came in for accupuncture for a pinched nerve in her back. They asked me on admittance if I wanted to change the name from Cheryl's name to my name. I said "No, leave Kuma in Cheryl's name". Biggest mistake that cost Kuma her life. I thought I would be nice and respect that Kuma was Cheryl's dog and I never considered her mine. My respectful thoughts killed Kuma. Why, because the Vet called Cheryl when she had not business calling Cheryl. Cheryl had nothing to do with Kuma and had no right to tell the Vet to kill Kuma. When I came in to the hospital, they had treated Kuma like garbage like she was aleady dead. I told the Vet I wanted to stay with the original plan and let Kuma wake up. The Vet told me that Cheryl said to kill Kuma and that Cheryl is the owner and she has closed out the bill. I told her that Cheryl does not care about Kuma, does not know anything about Kuma and I will get an increase on my credit card and I will pay the bill. The Vet did not want to hear anything from me. I wanted to wait another day and give Kuma the 3 to 4 days like was originally planned. It was less than two days, less than 48 hours since Kuma was admitted. The Vet ignored me. She wrote in the file that Cheryl wanted Kuma killed and Cheryl is the owner and Cheryl closed the bill. If I had not kept Cheryl's name on the file, if I had changed it to my name and only kept Cheryl there for her credit card, Kuma would be alive today. This was a deadly mistake to try to respect Cheryl as being Kuma's mother. Cheryl had no more feeling for Kuma and just wanted to be rid of her. Kuma did not deserve this. Kuma did nothing wrong.

So you can see that I am still very angry, even more as I realize what had happened.

I relive the moment when I arrived at the hospital on the last day bringing Kuma food and treats and thinking that she would wake up and come home. I saw Kuma laying there with her catheter bandages removed and the glass door closed. I looked for her charts. Why did I not ask to see her charts? I knew something was up but did not want to create a fuss. I needed to see the charts and I would have seen that they stopped everything for Kuma. I didn't. The Vet came at me strong saying "If you need someone to tell you how to decide, I will tell you." I said, "I don't need someone to tell me". She said, " Some people don't want to make the decision themselves so I will tell you, you need to put her down, she needs to be put down, my staff are getting upset looking at her". I pace up and down now, angry, screaming my response back to this Vet today with what I should have said then. And, I get angry at myself for not standing up to her then, not standing up for Kuma. I ask myself why did I let this go? Why did I let her talk to me this way?

I relive the moment when the Vet tried two times to kill her and then went out to get more chemical and came back for a third time. I pace up and down inside the gym now and I scream at him, "STOP!!". I throw my arm out to stop him and I tell him to go get the emergency Vet to come in and stop Kuma's seizures. Why did I not do this then?

These are some of the moments I relive. This is the anger I feel, building. Angry at the people who caused this and angry at myself for not stopping it. The Vet had no right to tell me to kill Kuma. The Vet had no right to encite Cheryl and Cheryl had no right to tell her to kill Kuma. Cheryl did not spend the last four years taking care of Kuma. Cheryl did nothing. She gave up her rights to Kuma. She abandoned Kuma and left her for dead years ago.

Vets are supposed to heal animals not kill them. Why do so many Vets think the first option is to euthanize a pet.

Kuma was my child, my baby girl. Nobody had a right to make the decision to kill her. Nobody!!!