My New Life

When Kuma died, my old life died. Everything I cared for vanished. Time stood still and refused to move forward. Instead a dark hole sucked away all my beliefs, love, pleasure, optimism and reason for living. It left me with nothing but quiet time. My new life was born of unbearable fear and pain.

This other side or new life of mine came from a promise to give it a year. Learning to live with the pain of not being with Kuma has been slow. It has literally been one foot forward and sit down. Step outside for a bit and come back in for a while. It felt that the only time I was living is when I was quiet by myself and thinking. But thinking scared me when it started to get too deep and so I would surface for a bit. I found that I had a respect for my life and wanted to try to make it better.

Today, I feel peaceful. The pain is still there but when I am with people I forget about it for a while.

I have time. I don't feel rushed. I am not on an agenda. I listen to people and enjoy them. I appreciate people and am learning about them for the first time. I listen and absorb. I see past what I see. I see the good in people. I see their struggle and I want to help. I am starting to get a good feeling of helping people. In fact, right now my only purpose is not for myself at all but it is to help people. If I am going to leave this earth, then at least I can help people as much as I can.

Through my pain, I see the pain everyone else is carrying and I see their enjoyment as well. I have time. I have no agenda. I have nowhere I need to be so I can stay where I am. No one is waiting for me, I have no home to go to, just a bed.

I am peaceful I think because I am not afraid to die. I have lost the fear of death because if I do die, then I will see if there are any answers out there, I will see if Kuma still exists or not. And, if Kuma doesn't exist and there is nothing out there, then it all doesn't matter anyway. But if she does exist and so do my other dogs, I will be a great reunion. Either way will be good, so I am peaceful. The black hole sucked away my fear and left me quiet.

I don't have anything left to prove. I don't need anything other than food and a place to sleep.

My first step forward, my first enjoyment and sense of purpose is to help people. I enjoy listening and I enjoy being creative. I enjoy thinking without noise. It's peaceful.